You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!

by C.S. Lewis

You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I am seriously impressed with the stage crew freshman, though most of them don't even know what a circular saw is... It'll be okay. I found MY freshman already, I will mold him into an awesome crewie mwahaha. Stage crew is such a cult, we act like we're not, but apparently I'm a deity since they were like "You are GOD" so... there's that. Anyway, real stage crew doesn't start until Monday, and the froshies kept mixing me up with Mona. Thats when I realized, I'm their Mona Wu/Jen Rawling/Jenna Deacon... and I'm ready to be. This is gonna be a great year, I've missed building, and now I remember why I want this to be my major. I love theatre. I love being in the new auditorium, it became my home away from home, so much happened in that auditorium. I'm really excited about this year, all things considered. I thought stage crew would fall apart when Mona and the crew left a year ago, but it didn't and...I don't think when I was younger I had any idea that theatre would become such a big part of my life... God, I'm not gonna look at this like its my last time doing everything, I'm just gonna try to enjoy all of this, the stress, the fucking random things, and the moments when I feel like I'm gonna crash and burn and the show's gonna suck...what else can you do? I'm ready to start, but crew's not until Monday, which is good because I still have to get my set designs approved...which means I need to draw them up on PC and/or scan my designs...which means I need to ink over them...ugh.

Tonight I journey off with M to create designs for her Ren Faire Booth.

A rant:
All those people who are like 'Oh, everyone else likes this band now, I have to go find a new band to listen to' are so stupid. They have the completely wrong attitude, because gaining a larger fan base helps the band, and if they really like something, would you want to share it with other people, and then you'll be united in a way with those people that you might not have been previously...a love for that band. Unless, of course, the band changes their sound to appeal to a wider audience...then they sold out and feel free to hate them if you're one of those "Only their old stuff was good people".  However, that is canceled out if the band sucked before and only now they are listen to-able.  OK....done rambling. 

Did ya' guys miss me?

My pajamas smell like fabric softener, it reminds me of being small...

Anyway, I saw CLINTON yesterday, and regardless of your political views, you should concede that he's an amazing speaker. He thinks fast on his feet, he connects well with an audience, and he NEVER says "uh...". He'll take a question you give him and construct an entire mini-speech answering that question and the issues surrounding it completely <3. That, and his accent is awesome. This evening he spoke about the election, morality, the economy and how the election focused on unimportant issues compared to our HUGE deficit and Social Security. It was AWESOME, and afterwards I went diner-ing with some friends.

Its really cool getting to know people you've been aquainted with for a while but don't know much about.

I just wish I could just say what I need to say to some people.  Why can't I just make a stand and say,

"Look, I know you don't agree with my comittee's decision about the serenaders for Mr. West, but your rudely pointing out your displeasure with not getting picked to other people while I'm in ear shot does not make me any more inclined to change the decision.  It was a completely fair audition, and you didn't get picked, and I don't see why you, a veteran of several honors choirs, feel the need to constantly complain about not getting to sing at one stupid show at West.  Also, what do you think gives you the right to trash my friends to my face?  It only shows that your jealousy from freshman year has never died, that she got into Chamber Singers and you didn't  Its grown from that into this manipulative tearing apart of her whenever she meets new people and you're around, you find some way to make her look bad.  I can't just stand by and let you do this to my best friend, so until you grow up a little and realize that all of this really doesn't matter, I don't see how we can be friends." 

Why am I so nice to her?  Why don't I say what needs to be said because what she thinks really shouldn't matter?  I think its because she has the ability to make my life a living hell in choir.  Its not worth it though, to just suck it up whenever she does this to me.  I can't. 

Okay, back to my English homework.

Mood: exhausted

Music: VNV Nation- Joy  

There's something beautiful about listening to a song that's in a language you don't know, and instead of being distracted by the words...you lose yourself in the way the voices inter-weave to form a complex melody of sound. The words they are singing don't even matter, rather the emotion they bring out of the listener, the rising and falling of spirits. It reminds me of this moment in the Shawshank Redemption when Andy locks himself in the office and blasts the opera on the PA throughout the prison.

Red says (thanks IMDB.com):

"I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free."

You know I'm not going to be able to stop crying when you leave for college ~Mom

How did I get so old so fast?  How was yesterday my 18th birthday?  One day I was playing Make Pretend in Jay's basement and the next I'm here, working on my portfolio to send off to colleges.  Its kinda scary, really, but I feel like I'm so ready to just go out there, join a theatre company, design sets and just, experience this new world I'm on the edge of entering.  But what if I fail?  What if I don't have the attitude to make it?  The doubts are always there.  

I love this time of year, the glowing lights illuminating my path as I travel through streets in Haddonfield, wreaths hanging from black lampposts that look like they are straight from a Charles Dickens book.  Life is pretty intense these days, and I'm beginning to learn a lot about people.  I was dissapointed by some people yesterday, though one came through in the end.  I guess I held my expectations too high, I started to believe in them, and they let me down. 

You can either persevere and continue to believe in people or give up and only  believe in yourself and your friends were Steph's words last night on the dugout...and the cynic in me wants to just throw away all expectations of anyone and only believe in myself, because everyone else will screw me over.  Yet, I NEED to believe that people care, that they aren't all decietful and manipulative, I need to hold onto that hope more than almost anything else...because it maintains my faith that there is still some good in this world.  Hope that tomorrow will be better is the only thing that keeps me going somedays.   

Today was great, I just wanted you guys that I'm still alive, and I do come on here, I just only post when I have something meaningful to say usually.

Today I created a memory, and I could tell I was living something I would remember.  Do you ever get that feeling?  I adore my friend Jen, and I hope she gets into Boston U and I get into Emerson, because then we'll be in Boston togethor...and that will make me REALLY happy... :)  Today we found this awesome couch sitting by the road in Haddonfield, stole with my friend's pickup, brought it to my high school since we're doing Hello Dolly as our musical (I'm production manager of course).  Anyway, it's a REALLY nice couch and only in Haddonfield would it be in the trash :).  We froze while waiting for my friend's pickup and then after transporting the couch was done, we went back to this coffee shop and just chilled and did our Statistics hw.  Afterwards, we drove back to Cherry Hill and made up new lyrics to songs by the Shins.  It was wonderful.

There's nothing cooler than having a friend that you have 0 secrets from.  It's like, if you feel like you can't tell them something its the worst thing in the world. 

Have you ever had your eyes momentarily meet with someone else's whom you've never seen before, and probably never will again, and found understanding in their eyes?   

Today was great!  I got to spend time with this guy I've liked for over two years... and it looks like there is definitely hope... and I'm gushing like a middle school girl or something :).  He already graduated, so he came and got me from school, and gave me my christmas present and we talked for hours in this coffee shop.  We walked around the town and it was just wonderful.  I invited him to come with me to Haddonfield's First Night thing, which is basically a local band music festival + storytellers + other cool stuff...and its gonna rock :).

I think I'll go dance around now :). 

I went out with him again tonight.  I had been feeling bad for hours, the last day of school before winter break had been full of angst and I cut most of my classes, and didn't eat right so I wasn't feeling well.  A friend convinced me to call him and see if he wanted to hangout again, and he did!  We went over to Three Beans again, except it was Celtic music night, when all these instrumentalists get togethor and play traditional celtic music, and it is AWESOME.  We sat in there for hours, just talking about everything, and it was wonderful.  We sat there, leaning close so that we could hear each other, and talked.  We have a lot in common, and at the same time, there are enough differences between us to make it interesting if we *crosses her fingers* were to get togethor.  He's adorable, and we ended up having to leavee 10:30ish since I had to be home by 11.  I can be a complete video game geek with him, and it doesn't matter, because he's into the same stuff I am.  We ended up going over to the bridge near my house and I thought about making a move, but in the end I decided, it was almost 11 and I wanted there to be more time for us to talk it out and stuff, y'know?  I really think that this might actually work out, because some of things he says, its like wow, this kid really likes me.  I'm really scared about telling him how I feel, face to face, but I think I can do it, because he is worth it.  I'm really happy, and it scares me :).  I think we're hanging out again Sunday, which is great.  It's nice to get to know him after having liked him for over 2 years.  I really think he likes me to, but he's also one of the shyest guys I know...so I have to make the first move, which I have NEVER done before.  I can do it though.  I'm totally repeating myself, but I don't care, because I'm happy.  Yay! 

My friend Chris and I's theory on one of the purposes of life, which we figured out two nights ago:

Everyone is born with an integral sense of what reality is, and it changes based on your life experiences. Your sense of reality evolves depending on the people you spend time with, the things you do, all the little parts of your life alter how you view the world. People also confirm your sense of reality through discussing life events, and one of the purposes of friendship is for one to confirm one's idea of reality. People can also warp your sense reality through extreme negativity or being perpetually nasty. Therefore, a purpose of life is to find true reality, and part of that is realizing that you do not live in a one man universe. Everyone has passions and fears and hatreds and loves, and when you realize that, it humbles you, and at the same time, it helps you to realize how little difference there truly is between yourself and your fellow man. Unity is found.

(weird...when I wrote this I accidently wrote Christ instead of Chris...maybe it's a sign?  Or I'm just a really bad typist.. either way, I felt like mentioning it.

Here is my list of things that made me happy in 2005:

Nightmare Before Christmas Parties, Raving with everything in sight, West Side Story, backstage conversations, my non homosexual gay boyfriend (don't ask), the Boston trip, singing, Underworld, The Order (not the movie... kinda), having an image change, collared shirts, Incubus concerts, 24 hour diners, riding in cars and talking about everything, lying on benches in Haddonfield at 10pm talking and having people shout stuff at us from their cars, sporks, jigsawing, living in a Woodie Allen film, Zack Braff,figuring out that I need to not spend time with people that treat me like crap, letting go of things that don't matter and spending time with the people that do. Video game bootcamp.  Finding people that really care.  Finding my muse. Art with meaning.  Music, I couldn't live without it if I tried.  He.  They.  Trading cds and expanding minds.  My mauve/purpleyish thrift store corderoy blazer.  Dyed hair.  Meeting so many new people, dressing as a hick and moving set pieces under the lights during Children's Show, opening nights and closing nights, figuring out what I want to do with my life, passing Pre-Calc, being friends with the most amazing people, and wondering how I ever lived without some of them.  Here Comes the Sun  and leaving school to go to Moorestown, Chik Fil A trips with Diana, Grand Slam, The Last Unicorn, Thrice with Adam, Josiah and Jebediah and Jameeraqui, POLLUTION!, love.  Garden State and the summer sun. Laying on top of the dugout with the people that matter.  Puerto Rico and family ties.  Late nights at Three Beans with the crew.  Max.  Finally growing up, and through it figuring out who was worth the trouble and who wasn't.  Finding myself, though I'm still not done.  Everyone and everything, every experience good or bad helped.  Constantly getting lost in Barclay at night with Jen, just making curfew through lots of speeding :)  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, going to AC Moore in Greco-Roman wear with Jen and Tim to get a net,   looking at the stars on a cold night and feeling connected to everything, finding the capacity to care, realizing new facets of myself, ringing Andrew's doorbell for NO REASON and then speeding away... late night telephone conversations where neither of us REALLY wanted to hang up...ever, sleepovers with jen where we talked all night...and then had to go to church, 7pm mass, finding a true best friend who didn't make me feel depressed all the time, cutting myself off from people who drag me down, drawing pictures in paint, JAMES BOND, no braces at last, finding beauty in everything.   

This year disposed of last year's decaying horrors.     

Well, I'm going out with him again tonight.  He was so cute on the phone, he said, "I'm looking forward to seeing you". I can't believe this is happening, I want to tell him that I like him tonight after the movie, because he's beautiful and I really really like him.  I don't even mind that it'll be a LD relationship since he has to go back to college on January 3rd, because I've been in a LD relationship with a guy in college before, and Max is just different from any other guy I've ever met.  I adore him, and I think he feels the same way, from all the things he says, and the way he acts.  He walked me to my door the other night, and when I jumped over a puddle he said, "Damn, I was going to carry you over it".  He's just wonderful.  I'm sorry I'm gushing but...eeeeeeeeeeeee I'm just so happy right now, and I've had things working so well in a potential relationship in over a year.  Wish me luck tonight, we're going to see House of Flying Daggers.  Yay for kung fu!  

Current Music- Belle and Sebastian- Step Into My Office, Baby

So, tonight went REALLY well... We went to see House of Flying Daggers, and afterwards we just stayed in the theater cuddling and making fun of the slide projector person because they were really bad at it...and I told him, and he didn't say anything, but for the rest of the night you could tell he relaxed.  We got pulled over by this cop because he thought Max was drunk because he forgot to turn on his headlights....SO CUTE..and the cop let us go after making Max recite his ABCs.  THEN, we went over to Starbucks (closed :( ) and then to Coach Diner and got tea.  I made him put on my Cossack hat, and he looked soooo cute in it :).  Anyway, we got to my house and he walked me to the door and kissed me and stuff, and so now I have someone to kiss on New Years Eve... which has never happened before, and I guess we're togethor now, and I'm really happy :).  He's so, well, not perfect, but right for me, and that's what matters.  <3

Tonight, Max and I went to Haddonfield's First Night thing, and it was perfect.  This is the best New Years I have ever had.

<3   

Opeth- Harvest

Stay with me a while
Rise above the vile
Name my final rest
Poured into my chest

Pledge yourself to me
Never leave me be
Sweat breaks on my brow
Given time ends now

Spirit painted sin
Embers neath my skin
Veiled in pale embrace
Reached and touched my face

Into the orchard I walk peering way past the gate
Wilted scenes for us who couldn't wait
Drained by the coldest caress, stalking shadows ahead
Halo of death, all I see is departure
Mourner's lament but it's me who's the martyr

Opeth is an amazing melodic death metal band, and you should check them out, because they are really really cool. 

( ) Snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city (ahem, town) 
(x) seen a shooting star
(x ) been to any other countries besides the United States (Viva Mexico!)
( ) had a serious surgery
( ) taken a shower with a member of the opposite sex
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas

(x ) kissed a stranger (No, but I've kissed some pretty strange guys)
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) made out in an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) kicked a guy where it hurts (in the shin of course)
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) run over an animal and killed it
( ) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) given someone a bruise
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) flashed someone
( ) had oral surgery
( ) seen a therapist
(x) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
( ) gotten stitches
( ) drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
(x) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
(x) shoplifted 
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) stolen something from your job ( It was a pen!  I worked in an office) 
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a concert (Been saved from moshers...*is a wimp*)
(x) had real feelings for someone you knew only online (Real feelings of friendship)
( ) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself (Only in an artistic way)
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) had oral sex
( ) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(XxX) love someone or miss someone right now

I guess when I got togethor with Max, I figured I wouldn't think about They that way anymore, I do though.  I don't think it would be this hard if Max were here, but with Max gone and They here, it's really hard.  I can't just let the feelings go for some reason, they're extremely resilient.  It makes me wonder if they ever will just die already, it would make things easier, it's hard being in unrequited love with someone, sort of letting it go/giving up and moving on, and yet in your heart, those feelings stay.  Hopefully, they'll fade to the background.  It's hard, because They = my best friend, and I spend more time with them than anyone else.  *sigh*  I can't listen to Death Cab anymore, especially not the song Passenger Seat, it just makes me want to cry.  I really like Max a lot and I'm not going to screw it up for some stupid shit like this. 

Passenger Seat- Death Cab for Cutie (I've probably posted these lyrics before, who cares?  Not me.)

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

Other than that constantly haunting my subconcious, today wasn't bad.  I cut 1st and 2nd period to go to the Community Service Forum, it was about suicide, then I reviewed our West Singers music with Jen, Kasie, and Chris.  If any of my Mindsay buddies live in LA/ Will be there 1st week of February, they should go to the ACDA All National Convention and see West Singers, because that's my choir and we kick ass :).     

Random note: I really hate the word cunt, it's so vile and disgusting and derogatory and echhhhhh.

There's something about talking on the phone for hours with someone you really care about  right before you go to bed ...  *happy sigh*

Stage crew went really well today, we're on schedule with construction.  I love having stage crew on Saturdays because everyone who is truly dedicated comes, and thus we are able to get a LOT accomplished, and I can help people learn how to do things.  I really like being production manager on days like this, when we're gaining momentum and all is well :).  I got to spend time with people who love it as much as I do.  It's days like this that reassure me when I get doubtful that this is what I want to do with my life :). 

This mix I made someone for Christmas:

Here Comes The Sun

New Slang 3:51 The Shins   

St. James 3:36 Amelia 

Caroline, London 1940 2:46 Sleep Station 
Otherside 4:15 Red Hot Chili Peppers 

Rock The Casbah 3:45 The Clash 

Lie In Our Graves 5:42 Dave Matthews Band 

You Don't Have To Cry 2:45 
The Warmth 4:24 Incubus
All Things Ordinary 3:52 The Anniversary
Brand New Colony 4:12 The Postal Service 
Natural High 4:53 Bloodstone 
Deceptacon 3:04 Le Tigre 
2+2=5 (The Lukewarm) 3:19 Radiohead 
White Flag 4:01 Dido 

1979 4:25 Smashing Pumpkins 
Yellow 4:29 Coldplay 

This mix I made as an apology to someone a while back...

The Best Of What's Around 4:17 Dave Matthews Band 
You Don't Have To Cry 2:45 Crosby, Stills & Nash 
Redemption Song 3:51 Bob Marley 
Paper Bag 3:40 Fiona Apple 
Yellow 4:29 Coldplay Parachutes 
Misty Mountain Hop 4:38 Led Zeppelin IV 
Where Did You Go? (Demo) 3:05 The Æffect 
Warning Sign 5:31 Coldplay 
Jigsaw 4:06 Amelia Comforting Lie 2:52 No Doubt 
Wish You Were Here 5:16 Pink Floyd 
Wonderwall 4:18 Oasis 
White Flag 4:01 Dido
All Apologies 3:50 Nirvana 

I hope this is helpful. 

Snows falling outside and I'm lost.  I immerse myself in the guitar work of foreigners, trying to drown out my sister's tutor and my sister speaking in maths.   

A friend of mine and I got into a coversation about people who don't show up to classes on the days of tests.  It's a fairly prevalent phenomena at my high school.  I don't get it.  I mean, at least come to class and try to get an extension, don't be a fucking coward and just not show up.  You have to take responsibility for your actions.  For example, I decided to sleep instead of study Statistics, and thus I probably bombed my test today, but at least I had the courage to actually show up to the class.  My friend showed up and took the Wuthering Heights test without having read the book, but she recognizes that she made the choice not to read it, and thus she is taking responsibity for her choices.  Sure, you can cut classes now and delay the tests, but you can't always do that.  In business, deadlines are firm, you can get fired for not meeting deadlines to the extent your bosses wish them to be met.  Your parents can't lie for you forever.  

What do you guys think?  

Max is an amazing boyfriend whom I adore. :)

You know someone's your best friend after they call you because they feel like they treated you badly earlier in the morning, even if they didn't.  The imagined causing of pain to you haunted them until they called and you assured them that everything was alright.

I know there are many other ways that someone is your best friend, but this is just another reason that Jen = amazing.

What do you think of my new background?  The old one sucked, so I figure this one is a lot better, it's less messy looking.  If my scanner were working, I'd upload some of my black and white shots for the header or something.

I sit, struggling to look up the myriad of words whose definitions I am ignorant of; who knew 100 pgs could be such a trial of my patience?  The Elizabethan World Picture bores me, but I desire an A in English, thus I must know this book like the back of my hand.  Robbing my English teacher of his vile ammunition which rips apart my answers to his questions regularly is my main goal.

There is nothing that offends me more than accusing me of being a liar or untrustworthy.  I don't appreciate it at all.  One can apologize, and I'll forgive, but I'm not quick to forget when such accusations emerge.

I must return to my laborious task.

I <3 Stuart Murdoch's voice.  Hell, I just love Belle & Sebastian in general :).

Say you and a friend aren't really friends anymore... you don't talk or anything, and haven't since the beginning of the school year, is a 5 word text message "I am so sorry for everything" enough?  She's tried a couple other times, but I just don't want to be friends anymore, and if that makes me a bad person, so be it.  I just don't feel like it's worth it at all. 

On a happier note, today's Max and I's one month anniversary, which is big deal for me because usually at this point my relationships are falling apart or have already ended :).  I talked to him for 2 hrs and now I get to do hw, but it was so worth it.  We're going to my senior prom togethor and he's going to wear a tux with the a long jacket with tails... :).  I basically told him that they looked really hot and he was like "ooo, note to self" hehe.  He makes me really happy.

It seems like everyone has this thing that they have to bust on themselves, else they'll be thought arrogant.  I like who I am.  I'm nice to people unless they earn my dislike, and I always give people a chance.  I'm happy with myself as I am, though I definitely need to get in shape for prom :). 

6 days until I leave for LA!!! :) 

Last night was the West Singers send-off concert, we leave for LA in...2 days and a bunch of hours.  I'm incredibly excited.  It went pretty well, I'm excited to be bonding with..well...everyone in choir.  I'm going to try to bond with everyone and just be chill.  I love West Singers trips.  I had an interview yesterday with NJEA Classroom Close-up, and it was interesting, because they asked me about what the department meant to me.  I really do love choir and Mrs. Bass.  She's not a bad person at all.  She wants us to reach our highest potential and she will do what she has to in order for us to reach it. 

I feel guilty about what did to Kat, throwing her away over a momentary lapse of reason, and neither of us tried to fix it, we just let the months widen the crevice between us into a canyon of ill feeling and regret. Do I want to still be friends with her like we were?  Can we?  Am I willing to put in the effort for us to be that close again?  I don't know.  I don't even know what I want with her anymore.  I need to get that particular monkey off of my back.  I can't put up with this any longer.  I just want to be okay with her again, I don't necessarily want to be tight.   

It's when I'm alone with this that I get incredibly depressed and introspective.  Does that have significance?  I'm no longer distracted by everyone, it's times like this that make me question everything, and I don't even know why.  I wish I did.

I got my hair trimmed today, and the beautician asked me about Max, and I think that's why I'm depressed.  I really really miss him, and she kept badgering me, but I had to be polite because she is my mom's coworker.  I just want him to come home more than anything.  He's such a sweet guy, and he turns 20 on Superbowl Sunday, the day after I get back from LA. 

Of course, this playlist I'm listening to isn't helping my mood at all. 

DMB- The Best of What's Around

Crosby, Stills & Nash - You Don't Have to Cry

Bob Marley- Redemption Song

Fiona Apple- Paper Bag

Coldplay - Yellow

Led Zepplin - Misty Mountain Hop

The Aeffect- Where Did You Go?

Coldplay - Warning Sign

and more... but I don't feel like typing out the rest of the playlist.  I'm lazy.  I need to go to LA and get out of this town, with all of its memories of loss.  I need to explore, go to an unfamiliar place and see how much of me is a product of the snowy days and gray skies.

Kat said she missed me, and I said I missed her...and that's all that had to be said.   I really do still care... I didn't realize that until tonight.  It's wicked not to care. 

My horoscope for today:

Sagitarius

"Hopefully, you've gotten over the urge to exact revenge, because with the kind of conscience you're toting around, it wouldn't work for long, anyway. You'd have to turn yourself in and apologize. No, you may be fiery, but you know when to call it quits on the anger thing -- and it's time. Besides, it's time to have fun, and who or whatever got in between you and that all-encompassing objective? They're history. Hopefully, you've gotten over the urge to exact revenge, because with the kind of conscience you're toting around, it wouldn't work for long, anyway. You'd have to turn yourself in and apologize. No, you may be fiery, but you know when to call it quits on the anger thing -- and it's time. Besides, it's time to have fun, and who or whatever got in between you and that all-encompassing objective? They're history."

It always creeps me out when the horoscopes are sorta kinda true.

I missed her more than I could ever really say...and the tension that always is in my back has lessened somewhat...perhaps the stress I was under had something to do with that situation?

Mindsay kicks livejournal's ass..because I can be more open here then on my livejournal...no one I know personally is on here :).

This song has been running through my head all day, so I figure I'd post it...  I <3 Coldplay.  I remember the first time I ever heard this song, the local radio station has this thing called Cage Match after 9 where they play new music from less well known bands, or bands who have just released a new cd... I was sitting there in bed on a Sunday night reading and this song came on.  I love this song so much, and it's not complicated or lyrically or musically astounding, but there is so much beauty in its simplicity :).

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And everything you do,

Yeah, they were all yellow.

I came along,

I wrote a song for you,

And all the things you do,

And it was called "Yellow."

So then I took my turn,

Oh what a thing to have done,

And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin

Oh yeah, your skin and bones,

Turn into something beautiful,

You know, you know I love you so,

You know I love you so.

I swam across,

I jumped across for you,

Oh what a thing to do.

Cos you were all "Yellow,"

I drew a line,

I drew a line for you,

Oh what a thing to do,

And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin,

Oh yeah your skin and bones,

Turn into something beautiful,

And you know for you,

I'd bleed myself dry,

for you I'd bleed myself dry.

It's true, look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for, 

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine for you,

Look how they shine.

Look at the stars,

Look how they shine for you,

And all the things that you

LA was amazing...but I'm too tired to write about it now...  I'll get back to you fine people either before or after the superbowl tomorrow. 

GO EAGLES!

At the clamoring of certain people.... I'll talk about LA now.

It was AMAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZING!

On Tuesday, we flew to Atlanta and then changed flights to LA, total traveling time = 8 hours, but it was still early when we got there, yay for changing timezones :).  We went out to Hollywood Boulevard and looked at the Walk of Fame, then we went into this place called Hamburger Hamlet which has the greatest burgers...ever!  Anyway, there were about 15 of us, and the waitress, Amy, remembered all of our orders PERFECTLY, no notepad or anything.  It was the most impressive thing I've ever seen.  Then, we went shopping for a bit in the shops (Banana Republic, Sephora, etc.) that were throughout the area and then went back to the hotel.  On the way to the buses to the hotel we ran into this guy who was rapping and I bought his demo disc for $5, and it's awesome :).  I love doing random things like that. 

I had the best roommates on the planet!  I roomed with my best friend Jen and our other two friends Da Un and Elisha, so we had the puerto rican/white girl, the white girl, the Korean girl and the Chinese girl.  Our room had hardcore asian-ness going on :).  They would talk to their family on the phone in their native languages and it was sooo cool... but I digress. 

Wednesday:

Woke up really early, got in concert clothes and went off to warm up in the Immanuel Presbyterian Church and the Walt Disney Hall, got CALIFORNIA ROLLS and rocked it out.  We sang our two concerts, the Walt Disney Hall one was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  The acoustics in the hall are so that when you're singing you can hear yourself and the choir at the same time as two distinct things ... and it helped us I think because everyone beefed it up and sang our greatest.  I loved singing in there, it's a beautiful building.  We went to Olvera street, which is a little Mexican area in Los Angeles and I got carnitas.  It was such a cool experience, because I haven't been in a place with mostly other Hispanics since I went to Puerto Rico in August.  It was powerful.  I bought a really cool pin of a coyote and a heavy brass belt buckle of a longhorn :).  This belt buckle led to many jokes, including later on when someone sat on me, and I said without thinking "I'm sorry, am I poking you with my longhorn" :).  I got into a hardcore kungfu battle with my friend Dean (Da Un's younger brother) and he won by tickling me into submission.  Anyway, that night a ton of people came over our room and we watched American Idol, and  being the choir geeks we are, we ripped the people to shreds.  It was soooooo much fun, I'd never watched in before because I don't like tv.  We eventually kicked everyone out and went to bed.

Thursday:  We went and sang at the LA Convention center, Jen didn't sing the first concert with us because she was really sick, so she slept for half the day recovering with Gatorade and Cheerios.  The show went okay and we got lots of free stuff.  We ran into the other school from South Jersey there, Clearview Regional, and we talked with them.  I got lots of free cds, plus I bought a Westminster Choir College CD of them singing Brahms's Liebeslieder waltzes and Zigunderlieder among other things :).  I love Brahms's choral pieces.  Anyway, we sang our last concert at the Immanuel Presbyterian Church and I cried during our most powerful song, "Precious Lord".  I'll have to host it on a site so you guys can hear it, I want you to.  It was the anniversary of one of the girls in the choir's Dad's death, and Mrs. Bass dedicated that singing of the song to him.  I will never sing that repertoire with that group of people in that place ever again.  I'm glad I made the most of it.  I'm getting all teary just writing about it.    

We went shopping at The Grove and the Farmer's Market, I will always remember that trolley ride where we were screaming NJ!!  and the trolley driver said, "and riding on here are people from New Jersey, now security knows where to find you,".  So, we ate at Johnny Rocket's and I have never had so much fun at dinner.  We talked about all the bad music we used to listen to, I admitted to listening to NSYNC and one of my friends admitted to singing Mmmm Bop in the shower.  It was a hardcore bonding experience, and I laughed the entire time.   I'll never forget when we walked into Abercrombie & Fitch.  Techno music was blasting, so we started dancing around, and one of us was like "guys we have to stop" and my friend Tim replied "We're from New Jersey, we don't know if this is a club or a clothing store".  I didn't buy anything, but going from store to store dancing around, trying on crazy sunglasses and just generally rocking out was cool.  Everything was extremely overpriced. 

Friday:  UNIVERSAL STUDIOS!!!  We rode the subway to Universal, and it was the greatest thing ever.  We got to the new Mummy rollercoaster when there was a 5 minute wait!  It was my first roller coaster and we rode it 2x!  I loved Universal, I got a picture with Wolverine and one with Captain America.  We ran into Lucille Ball, Chico Marx, Spongebob, and Patrick.  Jurassic Park was cool too, with that AMAZING drop at the end :).  After riding the Mummy and surviving, everything else was small potatos.  I loved Back to the Future, and Shrek 4D was odd ;).  I loved spending time with my crazy group. 

Saturday: The most depressing day ever, flying back made me sooooo sad, because Mr. Boeckle started talking about musical with me, and suddenly, it was over. 

I loved it in LA, with its 70 degree weather in February and its distance from everything I know.  I loved hanging out with most of my friends, and making tons of new friends.  I never thought that I would bond with the people I did, and when it happened it was amazing :).  I'll never forget this trip, it helped me to grow.  I conquered my fear of rollercoasters (sorta) and hungout with some amazing people. 

LA will always have a place in my heart. 

I just love singing and choral music so much.  When I think of high school, that is what I'm going to miss the most.  It's just so powerful to be a part of such an incredibly ensemble that infuses pieces with passion in pieces about experiences beyond our realm of experience.  We have to draw from everything we know to bring beauty and light to our pieces.  It takes months of dedication and focus and night rehearsal (in addition to our daily West Singers classes) to get to a point where we can do the pieces some amount of justice... but in that moment when you've given all that you have, you find more to fuse into the pieces while on that stage with all those choral directors staring at you.  They might as well not be there, because you are with your family on stage, and you are not doing for them or yourselves. It's the music that matters.  It has brought a group of completely different people from a myriad of religious, ethnic, and social backgrounds with the purest of purpose, creating a thing of beauty togethor, music.  The pieces that we have sung and poured are hearts into have completely different meanings for each of us, but in the end that doesn't matter because we join togethor with all our different life experiences to give notes upon a staff life.  In this world of titanium and flourescent lights, music is needed, for it reflects the human experience without words, which are so easily misinterpreted.  In truly great music, the words are not even needed, they merely add to the greatness of the piece.  It contains love, passion, hope, despair, lust, cruelty, greed, hatred... it is a microcosm of all that is good and evil in the world.  It is a metaphysical experience.  Music saves us all.   It reminds us that the human experience is just that, the human experience, it is not one man against the world but a daily struggle for all.  And in that unity of purpose, there is true beauty.       

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. The whole Max being away thing just hit me like a ton of bricks and I broke down after school.  I sat ontop of the feed shop (part of the Hello Dolly set) and cried, and i couldn't stop.  I was just watching everyone on crew milling around on stage waiting for crew to start, one or two people asked if I wanted to talk, but I just wanted space.  I needed to cry then more than ever, because I was finally able to recognize that I'm having a hard time with his being away.  I'd pushed it down for a month, and I'd gotten to questioning if it was worth it.  At the rough moment, my friend Jen called, and asked how I was doing.  I replied "Not well at all" and started crying again.  She was able to calm me down and talked me out of the tree as it were.  She said to me, "I've been waiting for this to happen for a while, because I've been in that situation before and I would break down nearly everyday.  It's like an ache in the center of your chest that won't go away, because a part of you is missing".  She pointed out things that I'd forgotten.  She said "He is so different from other guys Amanda, and he needs to have a clone so I can meet him".  She then pointed out a lot of what I'd forgotten, and offered some possible options for me to make this easier. 

It's kind of intimidating to be with someone who cares so much about you, and you're nearly all they see.  It' never been that way for me before, and I'm scared, but he makes me happier than I have ever been, and my friend Allison was right "I hope you continue to feel that way, and remember that you said that because you will find yourself seriously questioning if it is worth it".  I really do love him, and that's the scariest thing yet.  It means being completely open with him, and that's a scary thought.  I'm not completely open with anyone, the only person I'm even close to being completely open with is Jen, because she is greatest person I have ever met.  He's just so different from anyone I've ever met, and I really matter to him and it scares me.  I hope I can live up to that. 

For Valentines Day, Max and I exchanged letters... and I have to say, it's easily been the best V-day I've ever had.  I really do love that boy :).  I realize that you shouldn't need a special day to tell how you feel about one another, but still, it's nice to have another special day to celebrate your feelings for one another, not that we don't tell each other whenever we talk to a greater or lesser degree.  I think I'm going to call him now. 

I hope you all had a lovely day :).   

Never have I ever is a horrible game to play with teenagers.... because then you learn things about your best friend that you didn't want to know that they had done with people...and then you're haunted with images of these things...

Never play this game... you will realize that sometimes it's waaay better to remain ignorant.  I wish I had.

Today in class, Mr. Howe wanted us to define the word "lovesick" while we were discussing Hamlet.  We, the class, came up with acting different from how one normally acts, sighing and constantly thinking about the person, and a couple of other related things.  When I heard this desciption, I realized, that's exactly what I am.  I adore that boy, and the other night my friends were teasing me because whenever they said "Max" I would get this smile on my face, so of course they kept doing it and I got embaressed... and then they restarted the cycle :). 

16 days until he comes home :).  I can hardly wait.

I love when the art director of the musical posts a message on his online livejournal stating that my advisor is angry with me for leaving early tonight to go out.  I put in a good 5 hours at crew today helping to finish that goddamn fucking set, and all I get is bitchy comments just because everyone else stayed for 8 hours?  It's not my fault we missed crew yesterday because of the snowstorm.  It's not my fault my co-production manager was there for maybe an hour.  That's bullshit and I'll admit that.  But I am not responsible for her lack of responsibility GODDAMMIT.  Maybe I should have stayed considering I have to leave at 3 tomorrow for Cotillion, but I didn't.  I made that decision and people have to live with it.  I am so fucking angry I can't speak right now.  How dare he presume to judge me.  Fucking A.  I guess I better make sure I'm on time, else I'll be irresponsible too.  Fucker.

I had fun tonight otherwise.        

Today I found a letter from the past, my exboyfriend's post breakup letter.  I don't know why I kept it, and I almost read it, but I was on the phone with my best friend, and she was like "Amanda, you have to tear it up, don't let him hurt you again," and so I tore it up, and I feel like that 6 months of horror from last year is finally over.  I've let go.   

Not because of this or anything, but I have the best best friend ever.  :) 

Why doesn't any relationship I'm in ever last?  Why do I lose interest so quickly? As my friend put it: "It's weird, isn't it? you want something so badly and then you just...don't anymore."  It's like I built it up in my head and then when he came back it was like...uhhhh what now? 

Why do I get to be the first girlfriend that breaks his heart?

He's such a nice guy and I'm not at all interested anymore.  Does that make me a bad person? 

I can't deal with long distance relationships at all, I don't know why I thought this time would be different from Mike.  It wasn't.

So, Max didn't show up for our meeting at Starbucks at 3 (where I was going to dump him)and I was soooo angry.  I left at 3:30 with my friend Jesse and some of my other friends.  Anyway, he called me back later and apologized for not showing, but it didn't really change anything, though I forgave him.  I explained to him that these months have been sooo hard because I never see him.  I care about him, but not nearly not as much as I did.  I told him it was nothing he did or didn't do, it was all me.  He started crying though he tried to hide it.  I feel bad but honestly, there was nothing I could do, I refuse to not be honest, especially in a relationship, lying just breeds more lies and screws things up.  He's a great person, but it wasn't going anywhere.  He's never here, and I couldn't deal with it.  I'm sorry I had to be the first one to dump him, but at least I was nice about it.  I could have had sex with his dog and his sister at the same time, had him walk in on it, and then dumped him callously.  I love how I just wrote that sentence and the suggested tags were "once upon a time" and "sleepybye time" :).

Now, I just have to move on.  I hope he'll be okay.

In lieu of an entry, I'd like to leave here the message Max sent me on myspace...

Haunted. 

Cheek pressed against the car window, she looks out on the world, dulled by the coldness of men's hearts and the tears of an unseen god falling upon the parched ground.  It's days like this in march, when there is nothing to hope for, when one wonders what will be the thing that gets one through today.  She would do anything to just take the bus to the beach and walk the sands alone, so that perhaps she does not dwell on what others are doing with their time this evening. 

It doesn't seem to be fair, that she is unable to purify one's mind of feelings she has, to filter them out, to cleanse oneself of them.  Instead, she must accept the constant dull ache within their heart, and grin until her gums bleed.

"Does it bother you?"

"No, of course not". 

Thus she answered, because it cannot bother her, even if it does. 

Mockingbirds must be able to sing freely, even in the twilight of heartache. 

This weekend has been amazing so far.  Friday night I went over Jesse's and slept over... 'twas good times.  Saturday I left Jesse's at like 3 and people came over my house at 7...and we watched Donnie Darko.  That movie is amazing!  I'd never seen it before. 

"He asked me to forcibly insert the Life Line exercise card into my anus." 

That is the most politely worded insult...ever :).

Happy Easter everyone.   
 

I went out with my friend Jen today, we hit up Red Lobster for it's absolutely amazing biscuits and then went over to Tower Records.  The last time I went in there this guy with red hair who worked there kept staring at me... and this time he kind of followed us, pretending to sort cds near us.  I thought it was weird, but then Jen said to me, "If someone walked into your store whom you thought was cute, what would you do?  Walk near them in the store and hope that they have a question to ask you."

Jen also said (completely unrelated) that "Most girls are bitches, so when guys find a nice girl they latch on and try to never let go".   

I think I'll drop off my application at Tower tomorrow... maybe I'll see him again :).    

I didn't get into Emerson College...I got the rejection letter yesterday...

APRIL FOOLS!!  I got the acceptance letter yesterday, so I'll be in Boston next year :).

Yeah, I know that was kind of lame...but who cares, I got into college :).

This morning, I went running at 6am.  I don't run, at least not normally, but lately I decided I want to get in better shape (for both myself...and prom/the VA Beach trip) and this seemed like the best way.  I looked forward to it so much, and it was worth it.  Now I remember why I did track in middle school, the endorphin kick is crazy :).  I ran around 7/10 of a mile at a steady pace without stopping in 10 minutes, which considering how out of shape I am, makes me happy :).  I think I'll do the same distance for a couple days, and then start to add to it.  My parents didn't know I was going to go running, but they slept through my being gone, I'll tell them sometime this week so they don't worry if they wake up and I'm not here.  I love being up and about without anyone, because it's quiet :).      

I'm not going to get to see Jeff again on Sunday unless I can find someone else to go with me :(.  I realllllly want to see him again because, he seemed really nice and I truly regret not getting his number.  Today, I realized I have a huge ego, especially when it comes to theatre.  What if I've peaked now, and I hate it in college because I'm not "special"?  I don't think I'm that shallow, but it could happen...and then what would I do?  I feel so threatened by Andrew, but he isn't taking Jen away at all...  I'm just lame about these things. 

When did I become shallow and apathetic?  I used to worry about things that actually mattered.  My priorites have changed, and I'm not sure if I like them.  I've become really cold towards people sometimes, and less discrete when it comes to not liking them.  I just don't care, and I hate it.  I want to care again, I can't wait to be a freshman in college, because maybe then I'll care again. 

I really hate a lot of people and I'm on the edge of telling them.  Why can't I just say to them, "Why don't you just practice not breathing"?  I wish I could be brutally honest.

Amanda = prone to periods of depression, especially at night when she is home not talking to anyone. 

I want to so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real.            

I finished my journal today.  It's completely filled, entries both happy and sad written with different colored pens.  I wonder where I'm going to write my last thoughts tonight before I plunge into an uneasy slumber.

I'm in advanced photography class right now...and I am hella bored.  I finished my solarization project and now I'm just putzing around on the computer.  

It's weird, I feel like I'm exactly back where I was at September, lonely and wanting something I can never have.  All the same, I have grown I think.  I mean, now my recent breakup wasn't 2 years ago.  I've had a waay nicer boyfriend since then, even though things didn't work out because of the distance and communication problems on both sides of the fence.  I lent this girl Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, I hope she likes it. 

I wish this entry didn't suck.

A speaker (Scott Greenburg) came to my high school today, and he was great.  He went places with it that school speakers usually don't, and it was awesome.

My fortune cookie today said, "Your greatest quality is your modesty" and...I'm so not modest :).  So that was weird. 

A friend of mine who had never seen my photographs was like, "Wow, Amanda you're work is sooo good" because she was taking pictures of stuff for Visions, the foreign language magazine, so I might have some stuff in there. 

My friend Diana's 18th b-day party is tonight :). 

I can't write a real entry right now, I'm just bouncing around.

The train tracks provide a framework for my troubled mind; metal and wood integrated into a pathway for metal objects to shoot across vast distances, bearing oil and bums, mail and villains. I'm haunted by visions of far off places that I've never seen, vistas within who dwell the faceless monsters created by an idle and over imaginative mind. Man possesses the god-like reason faculty, does that mean our minds are capable of creating worlds? Do these worlds truly exist, and if so, where do these universes exist, if not in our minds? We are dwelling houses for mitochondria and atoms; would this mean we are the happy homes of the mutants created in our minds? Also, when dreaming of ourselves, do we create completely alternative realities within our minds? Walking along wooden beams and iron bars connected in a framework that connects coast to coast, I am put at ease by this solid structure. The world is held together by bars of wood and iron; they frame hospitals, homes, and coffins, the three main sections of human existence. Take away your idle ideas of an afterlife and realize that if one exists, you create it in your mind, that in death your mind is living in this place within itself or perhaps in the mind of greater being. Maybe that's all heaven really is, a reality created in God's mind much like Earth, as he fantasizes about being somewhere else other than his dead end cubicle job in the information technology industry. Our gods are ourselves. That's why I don't mind when my path is illuminated suddenly with a roar and light, and then all is blackness. I am in another's imagination. I don't really exist.

I put my ipod on shuffle out of curiousity, and here's what came up:

1.)The Shins- Gone for Good
2.)Blink 182- Pathetic
3.)Belle & Sebastian- Turn Turn Turn (live)
4.)Fredrick Chopin- Mazurk Op. 63/1 in C Sharp Minor
5.)Rufio- Selfishness
6.)Sugarhill Gang- Rapper's Delight (OLD SCHOOL)
7.)The Shins- So Says I
8.)Beborn Beton-Eisplanet
9.)Ants Marching
10.)VNV Nation-Beloved
11.)Saves the Day- In Reverie
12.)Michael Nyman-Lost and Found (instrumental from the movie- The Piano)
13.)Armor for Sleep- Wanderer's Guild
14.)Mindless Self Indulgence-Bitches
15.)Radiohead- No Surprises

Yeah so there's no point to this...

We can't really understand where other people are coming from.  No matter how similar events in our lives may be, it's not the same, because everyone is different and reacts to things differently.  We can't detatch our souls/minds/whatever from our  bodies, and start over, growing up in the same exact way as whoever we're talking to and thus understand exactly where they are coming from.

I may not understand, but I care, and I think the caring is what really matters, and the willingness to do what needs to be done to help a friend. 

This isn't making sense, mostly because I'm drugged up on Clariton + other allergy medicines.  Sorry I disappeared, but I had nothing to say.

I'm so starved for conversation today.  I stayed home from school because I didn't sleep and my allergies = hellishly awful today :(.  It was nice though, because I got to have a day to myself.  Jen called to see how I was around 12, which was awesome.  Anyway, here's a story my friends Diana, Jay, Bryan, Jen, Annalise, and I wrote during the Senior meeting.  We had to listen to people babble about graduation so we would each write two lines, then pass it along the line.  Here it is:

The cramped Manhatten apartment was covered in newspapers from the distant past and decaying garbage. The roar of sirens can be clearly heard through windows shattered in gang wars and neighborhood baseball games. Rats crawled through halls in the apartment walls. The door slams and two men enter. To the girl [who lived in said apartments]'s surprise, one was wearing bright red lipstick. She looked again to see the first man's full attire. Dark green leiderhosen and a bright blue afro were excellent compliments to his sports goggles. On the other hand, the other man was wearing nothing but a leopard print loin-cloth and a matrix-style leather trenchcoat. The first man spoke, his lipstick glistening, "We demand from you... a monkey wrench. Now. It is not an option".

Krista's jaw unhinged in shock, her girlish side secretly wondering where the intruder bought that great pair of silver stilettos. Her slender frame tensed on the wicker chair as the pair clomped their awkward way across and stopped directly above her. Krista was struck with a sudden wave of fear as she whispered, "Why do you want my monkeywrench?!" Afroman slowly leaned over her, casting a shadow across her face. "We need it to kill the Prime Minister of Botswana" he said. She was floored by this answqer and thought, she had to get out of here. So , she remembered her training from her master Pai-Mei and his monkey sidekick Bobette. The monkey sidekick Bobette screamed like he had teretts(sp?) "What the hell is a monkey wrench?? I've only used adjustable and sockey wrenches!"

"Well," said Afro Man, "it's a socket wrench with a little swivel dilly on it so you can tighten stuff at weird angles". "Oh," said Bobette, "that makes sense to me, but then again I'm a monkey". "I know," said Afro; as Krista looked on in terror and confusion, there was one though she had that was more important than anything else in the entire universe, more important than the decision to buy the monkey wrench instead of the socket wrench in the first place. "I must not let them have my monkeywrench. I must save the Prime Minister of Bostwana. To be screwed by a monkey wrench is no way to die. A soddering iron would be better than that."

Filled with a new sense of confidence, she cautiously slipped from the chair in the midst of the diva-arguing. A makeshift plan formulated in her mind, she moved to execute her dangerous task. Grasping her handy ninja daggers from her back pocket, she crouched, a snarl sneaking out of her lips. She suddenly exploded into action, leaping through the air and kicking both Afroman and Loincloth man in their naughty bits. Then she killed Bobette and said, "Talking monkeys suck ass". Then, she ate Afro Man and became the new Afroman.

Oh, and palewhispers?  Brand New isn't punk rock... listen to the Misfits and the Sex Pistols *winks*.  That post made my life in a little way.  

So....I got Photoshop recently and as you can see from my header picture, have started playing around with it.  I must say...it's an extremely difficult program, but it's fun and I like it :).  I really should be doing my hw though.

Tomorrow AP testing starts :(.  I have the English Language exam bright and early in the morning...wish me luck.

Okay, I was writing something...and I just accidently fucking deleted it.

*pumps fists* I totally kicked the English Language AP exam's ass today...and it was good.  I have one more on Thursday, English Literature.  Jen and I peeled out of West's parking lot afterwards and blasted Brandnew (not punk *winks*) and rocked out.  We went to Panera with some other people, and sandwiches were eaten :).  We walked around the Moorestown Mall and got icecream from Creamo, which was good :).  It was definitely an awesome yay best friends day :).  I definitely need to teach Jen the lyrics to Brandnew songs, because I am extreme lyrics girl and she is just awesome rocking out type...but this doesn't really make sense to you guys :).  We harmonize and she needs to know the words *nods*.

<3 

I've gotten into a classics kind of mood lately. I'm reading F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel This Side of Paradise, I'm listening to Nat King Cole... I can't even describe it really. I still listen to my B&S and Death Cab but... I'm in the mood to listen to incredible singers and read incredible books and just, to take advantage of what's out there. I think sometimes we get a little too comfortable with what we know. We just listen to the same songs and read the same kinds of books over and over again... and everything that we used to love about them just... dies because we're not experiencing anything else. It kind of reminds me of this quote from Invisible Monsters:

"This is the biggest mistake I could think would save me. I wanted to give up the idea I had any control. Shake things up. To be saved by chaos. To see if I could cope, I wanted to force myself to grow again. To explode my comfort zone."

I'm not going to that kind of extreme or anything... but sometimes I think we become trapped in our ideas. When we don't encounter and explore new ideas, we're imprisoned. I'm not saying the new ideas need to be accepted, but rather, they need to be analyzed from all angles and judged.

Nat King Cole is amazing. End of Story. I grew up listening to him, and I appreciate him so much more now than I did then.

Broadway Night went well I guess, though the guys totally f***ed up the beginning of Aladdin. I couldn't find my tiara in my house, but I totally covered for it :). 

I had an interesting discussion with someone today, that when you meet someone and become friends with them, initially it has something to do with them possessing a quality that you wish to emulate and make a part of you.  I guess that's true.  I think I want to explore that idea.

I can't be with anyone right now until I resolve everything that's going on in my head, plus I have 0 time for relationships at the moment.  There's no one I'm really interested in.   

I listen to Nick Drake, and just think to myself, how can he have been so incredibly talented?

Tomorrow night is my last act as a techie at West. I realized that today when we were taking apart this flat we built. I said to Diana, "At least these are primed for the next set we do... Oh wait, this is the last set we're doing here at West." I honestly think this show might end up meaning more than the musical to me, because it's the last one. It's really going to be over. I want to go out with a bang, win or lose...that's what matters, because in the end it isn't awards that matter but working with your friends to create something that will never be completely replicated. Every set piece has a story, the conversations had while constructing it, the funny things that happened while moving it. I love theatre so much, and as scary as it is to be going into it, it's days like this that I think I can really do it, I can really succeed as a technical designer.

The One Act Play Festival went quite well last night.  Seniors didn't win, but we got best set design(diana bryan and I), best actress (jordi), best new director (Dave), and best breakout role (Mary). 

Diana decided that it was our last show and we have to do something funny so she used he tower records gift card and bought the most disgusting porn magazine she could find...  The phone company office set peice comes on stage twice during the show so Diana and I found the picture we liked the best, and before that set piece went on the second time, jay taped the picture down.  Everyone on the wing knew what we did. When the set piece went on and the scene began, Kevin and Bill looked down and saw it...and looked straight back up. The entire wing doubled over in laughter. 

It definitely made my one acts.

I'll post pictures once I get them.

It's weird to think in a couple years I'll be looking back on this and think, I was so naive, I believed in the power of sunshine to make people smile, I believed in people.  I hope I don't become that disillusioned with life.  I really want to believe that people want to do the right thing, or at least that they're capable of it.  I don't want to lose everyone, I love my friends and I've discovered so many new people this year that just make my life so much better...and we're all going to be parted.  All I'll have is photographs and memories, pictures regarding an inside joke long forgotten and smiles that belie the tension between people.   

It’s easy to get lazy on these sunny days of spring, surrounded by your friends in endless splendor. The sky just opens up with rays of joy and gladness, and a smile creeps upon every face.


There is something about summer and acoustic guitars that just seems to work so well together.  The combination of simple strumming, the crashing of the sea and the sun's rays just seems to work beautifully.   


It feels like a Garden State time of year for some reason.



I was talking with Jen yesterday and she said, "It feels like everyone is being nicer now because they've realized that it's not worth it to be mean to people out of some thought of it being cool to be mean to bolster one's ego."  I like the fact that people are nicer now, and I try not to think about their having ulterior motives.   



The next two weeks promise to be 2 of the greatest weeks of my life. VA Beach trip + Prom/Ocean City =<3

Mindsay is what you make it. 

No one makes you add people as your friends, and you can control how you group people so when you filter your entries, you can prevent certain people from reading them.  Only one person from my high school is on here, and it doesn't really matter.  I guess if you make a point of reading some people's blogs and trash talking others, yes, it is like high school.  Honestly though, I think that people just need to realize that it is just a blog.  

But then, high school is what you make it to.  

I try to learn a little from everyone I meet.  I was talking to a girl today, and she said, "People really misunderstand me and my actions, they think when I'm being nice, I'm just being fake".  She's one of the so-called "popular" crowd, not that West (my high school) really has one.  I think that hollywood and the media have stereotyped the high school experience, and corporations capitilize on the adolescent search for an identity by providing them through advertisements, cds and clothing stores.  

a = the type of music you listen to

b= the way you dress 

c= what group you fit into

a + b = c

But that's not my point...

I just think that people take themselves and everyone else way too seriously.  Drama will only exist if you pay attention to the people starting it. 

*jumps off of her soapbox*

PS: I know I'm a hypocrite.  Everyone is.

I'm back from VA Beach, good times were had.  My roommates were amazing, we had a suite and so we partied down every night after curfew :).  I ended up doing a photo shoot with them the last night since I = photo geek, I'll post some of those pictures and other trip pics once I get them back.  Busch Gardens and Water Country were amazing, as was the dinner cruise, on which we danced to keep warm as it was on a tugboat :).  I used to like this guy back towards the beginning of the year, but it was Jen's brother and she's my best friend so I backed off, but the thing is I still like him a lot and...I think he does.  Actually, I'm almost positive he does.  In the words of my friend Rafi, "He digs you".  Some people actually think we're dating already...and we're not but... I REALLY REALLY want to... but I don't want Jen to be hurt/confused/weird about it, or if she is, I want her to get over it like I got over the whole Jen/Andrew thing.  It used to really bother me but now, I've accepted it...and I just hope she could be the same way if Tim/Me were to happen.  He's never been anything but good to me.  I just hope he'd be okay with us not being together after the summer, and it wouldn't be because I wouldn't want to continue after the summer, but because I don't want to do to him what Max and Mike did to me.  Long distance sucks.  I just wish Jen would call me back.  I need to talk to her about this and other things.  She's probably out with Andrew though, considering she didn't see him for 3 days.  She's going to be a wreck when he's at Boys State.  I explained to her how long distance relationships are, and it really saddened her.  The last night of the trip, we stayed up talking for hours.  She asked me who I was interested in, but I couldn't tell her.  I just wasn't ready to.  She's going to be 7 hours away from me, I don't know how I am going to deal.  I'm not used to not seeing her for more than 3 days let alone months.  I kind of want to talk to Tim right now, I wonder what he's up to.  It was weird, I'd managed to block my feelings for him for months because of Jen, but, when we danced around on the cruise, it just felt right.  Nothing's felt right for a while, and it's nice to have something feel right again. 

...and my parents aren't going to see my work in PAVAS tonight because my Dad just got a bad work review and went out.  Fuck.       

I'm not that interested in him after all.  I'm not in the mood for wrecking things with my best friend over a boy that I will only see for a couple more months. 

I just got back from a rather amazing prom weekend.    Prom was incredible, post-prom weekend down in Ocean City, NJ was amazing as well, except getting heat exhaustion last night. Prom weekend pictures will be up once I get them developed.

Everyone should check out The Streets if they haven't listened to them yet, it's this one British guy rapping, he's pretty incredible if you read his lyrics.  Download "Turn the Page" or "Let's Push Things Forward" or if you're really awesome, buy the cd "Original Pirate Material" like I did :). 

Here are my friend Kasie's pictures from the shore

Ocean City

The Crew at the most amazing pizza place ever... Mack and Mancos (sp?)  

The Crew:

This is what being a senior is all about.

"A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane
And I swear that it's different this time
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her and that god never
blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
And you'll be smarter
And more grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it
You'll go out fighting all of them!

So, now the identity of Deepthroat has been revealed, and I don't know how I feel about it.  It's been a mystery since before I was born, and the guy's grandson announced it in a public statement, sort of anticlimatic don't you think? 

Today was good, it turns out I don't have strep throat.  I was just thinking, I'm going to miss my Dad and I's car conversations.  It seems like my entire relationship with him has been developed in cars traveling from one place to another while my mother and sister sleep. 

***

You know Dad, I said, I'm really going to miss these conversations.

Me too.

We  discuss the weirdest things and express our disdain towards our fellow man.  I like that, and it just seems like you and I have more in common than Amelia (my sister), she's more like Mom.

Well, he replied, you spent a lot more time with me when you were little, by the time she was born I was working longs hours so she wasn't around me as much.  That's probably why she's more like your Mom.

Green, drive fast, yellow drive faster, eh?

Yup. 

There's something to be said for a relationship based in safety belts and staring forward as lights guide us towards the future.

I've never seen her sad that before.  She seemed so lost, and I'm not used to that.  I'm glad I can be there for her though, because I care for her more than I can ever say in words, and sometimes I don't think she knows how deep it goes.  She's my best friend.  Now, I need to be strong for her, and I don't mind.  She's made my life amazing.   

I ran into Mike today, for those of you who don't know, he was stalker ex from 2 years ago...  we were actually civilized and nice.  I was glad to talk to him, but now, I feel kind of shitty about it.  I was able to let it go, but all the same, it's hard.  I hope he doesn't start calling me again. 

When  I told Jen about running into him, she was like, "Oh, Douchebag Mike?"

....and that's all I needed to hear.  <3

So, I spent the afternoon at Jen's house.  She's still sick... she may/may not have mono and she may/may not be allergic to penicillin...  I can't wait until she can go outside again, because she can't currently, her skin is waaaay sensitive because of the allergic reaction to the amoxocillin she took for strep throat (which she also had).  Anyway, we colored with our friend Tonko (Dutch exhange student) and drew pretty pictures.  It was quite awesome.  I really like coloring.  When I got home I got bored so I made a new header and made my user picture b&w just because b&w stuff is awesome. 

Work yesterday was good, I love working at Old Navy.  My coworkers are nice and the system of the business is fairly easy to get into. Also, I get to wear a cool headset! :).  Oh, and I got a $500 scholarship from our school's Thespian Society troupe as well as some other cool stuff because I won best set design for our one act play festival. Also I have 136 points aka 1,360 hours, which gets me a double honor bar.  Basically, I kick bootay theater-wise.  

I need an interesting book to read, not scifi, perferably a modern writer along the lines of Chuck Palahniuk or the guy who wrote Perks.  Hm...maybe I should just read Perks of Being a Wallflower again?         

It’s a funny feeling when you complete listening to a CD, the shiny disc ceases to spin and you are left by the roadside as the artist continues on, having completed sharing his or her take on love, the universe, pandas…whatever they felt like singing about. Songs are like 3 minute trips in another person’s shoes, walks down the street to try them on for size before one is left again in one’s own reality, Vans skate shoes size 10, Steve Maddens, Nikes.

Maybe that’s all music really is. It’s an opportunity to explore the options one has in life, to take mini-journeys, short walks along the river bank staring off into nothingness as the water keeps flowing to the sea as it will until the end. But, couldn’t the same be said of any type of art? Take for example photographs. The saying goes that every picture is a thousand words, but somehow, I don’t see the connection. Sure, we think in words, but do the uneducated think in words, or do they think in emotions, in sensations and feelings, passions and despairs? Despairs isn’t really a word, but I’m sure you see my point. If you limit a photograph to only being interpreted by words, you destroy everything that the artist was trying to convey. There is so much more to a single second captured in time on a roll of film then any word could describe. Sure, you could point out how the subject had gotten her hair cut recently, or they were wearing a lowcut top… but does that really matter? By doing that, you’re limiting the work, ignoring the fact that maybe the subject didn’t want to be photographed, or at that moment they were consumed a fierce feeling of loneliness. Or, perhaps the photographer was expressing their love for their subject in the only way they could, through the lens of a camera. A photograph can be a dissertation on the effects of hate, a moment of sheer passion, or a moment of glory… but no mere words can express everything that was going on around the subject and photographer, the onlookers, everything that contributed to that moment.

No moment can be expressed as it happened without it being changed in the telling, whether it be in song or a photograph. That’s why it’s impossible to walk in another person’s shoes for a long period of time. They just don’t fit.

Opeth is amazing.  It's weird, I've discovered that I can get used to anything, even scary demon vocals, because the musicianship of the band is just INCREDIBLE.  

I think the whole concept of indie elitism seriously needs to change.  I think a lot of people listen to complete and total crap, just because it's "underground" and not well known.  But then, everyone's concept of what music is completely different. It kills me how ill-educated most people are music-wise.  Everyone should be educated on the classics early, because even if they don't like them, they can appreciate them, and it makes them more open-minded in the future.  People need to elitist about good music..or just don't elitist at all.  What's even more annoying is the people who pretend to be elitist, and try to compete with you, saying "Oh, I saw this band in this parking lot before they even were freshman in high school blah blah blah".  Basically, they learn everything they know about music from Pitchfork or Tiny Mix Tapes... and it drives me CRAZY!  

The bottomline: Be who you are... or if you listen to bad music...  stay away from me 

The bottom bottom line: I don't really take myself this seriously... :)  I just really like Opeth 

PS: What do you think of the new header/color scheme?

I feel guilty.

She said, you know everything about me, and I still know so little about you.  Why can't you just tell me about it here?

I replied, because here I have to look you in the eye. 

I think she takes it for granted, or she just doesn't know that I never opened up at all until after the fiasco that was junior year... I'm still having a hard time being open with people.

It's always the people closest to you that hurt you the most with their betrayals... and I'm afraid. 

I said to her, You're honest about how you feel about people and who you will side with in arguements... I don't make an issue of things, even if I hate people and what they're doing.

I need to stop lying, and just be there, opened up.  She deserves to know whatever she asks me. 

After all...

This is really hard, she said, but you make it better by just being here.

...and when she said this I knew exactly what she meant. 

"I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is.  And I think it's bad when the most honest way a boy can look at a girl is through a camera". 

This goes for everyone. 

I've never felt more uninspired, ever.

...bad bad monkey?

I feel like I expect too much of people. 

I expect anything at all. 

I expect people to be true to their word, to keep their promises. 

It just seems like such an apparently simple and easy thing to me. 

...apparently, it isn't

I just finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for the thousandth time today.  I love that book, it's so timeless and powerful.   

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand.  It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.  You rarely win, but sometimes you do.  ~Atticus

^now that's a sentiment worthy of admiration.  I don't there's any character in literature I have more respect for than Atticus Finch.

It's funny, I sit here on in a seat that has held so many others.  Girls creep onto this bus, frightened to death by the possibilities opened up by a small plastic strip with an absorbent end.  No one sits next to a stranger on these methods of transportation unless it's absolutely necessary.  Everyone's just afraid.  We all have our separate destinations, our goals and ambitions that we can't expect anyone else to accept or understand.  We look out of the tinted glass and listen to our headphones.  We're given a unique opportunity on these rides to meet people that we might not ever meet otherwise.  But, instead of taking advantage of these opportunities, we drown ourselves in sounds recorded in studios and arenas, we lose ourselves staring the open road, streetlights and stop signs and the people that make you wonder. 

You can say strangers are friends that you have not met yet, but I don't see you approaching them to make this evident. 

All I can remember now is feeling loved. 

We just stood there, the party going on around us, people talking about movies, Incubus playing in the background, but none of that mattered.  Hugs can end the uncertainties created by days, weeks, months, even years of separation.  When someone grabs you and holds you close and you both just stand there like that, and all they say is "I missed you" and yet you understand everything else they are saying without words, that's when you know you've found the best friend you may ever have.  Wordless communication is a beautiful thing, especially when it's understood on both sides.

I was just thinking, I love mindsay.  I mean, I have a livejournal but I don't even update it anymore.  All those people I either see everyday, or I don't have to read everyday.  Here, I can just write whatever I feel like and it doesn't matter, you guys are totally chill with it.  <3 

In case I forget... July 11 will be my 2 year anniversary on here...and this entry number #380

I met someone new today. 

I saw this girl on the bus today, we both got off at the Cherry Hill Mall and from the moment I saw her, I was intrigued.  She walked into the coffee beanery and I walked on, trying on shirts at Express and feeling generally uncomfortable in them.  I walked by the food court and I saw her sitting there at a table, nursing a cup of coffee in her hand, just relaxed, but seeming a little lost.  I went into another store to try on things, and she was still there.  I walked by her on the way over to the Starbucks to get some chai, and she looked up, and she smiled, and I smiled back.  That tightened my resolve, I was going to meet this girl and learn about her, so I did.  I sat at the table directly next to hers and said, so, where are you from.  It turns out she's from Texas and just moved here over the weekend.  We ended up trading phone numbers, but her phone is currently in the shop, so she said she'd call when it was out of the shop.  Her name is Charlotte. 

For some reason, this incident made me realize how inconsequential my having to restore my iPod to factory settings was in the scheme of things.

I've never approached a complete stranger so easily.  Working Old Navy is seriously increasing my courage with strangers, but it was something more than that.  There was something about her that said, approach me, I'm nice. 

Anyway...

I saw Reel Big Fish, El Pus, Punchline and Zolof the Rock & Roll Destroyer tonight with my cousin Kelly!

They were amazing. 

El Pus is a combination of rock/rap/funk as has never been seen before.  CHECK THEM OUT!  They're incredible, and I gave one of the guys a hug :).  I got my Zolof ep and Punchline ep signed as well :). 

I should have bought pins for my pin collection though..seriously.

I had written another entry, but it was totally crap, so here's one that isn't shitty prose :).  Tomorrow my friend Andrew leaves for LA for the week and Jen (aka my best friend, also Andrew's g/f) will be away until Monday because she's in North Jersey for family stuff. 

Everyone needs to listen to the Rilo Kiley song "With Arms Outstretched".  The Execution of All Things is such a good album. 

Summer seems to be all about random activities that are awesome because you're doing them with your friends.

The song "Comfortable" by John Mayer is SOOO SAD....  I was just listening to it and I was like, I have to leave a note for Court... 

My current on-the-go playlist:

Beatles- Two of Us

Queen- You're My Best Friend

Oasis- Wonderwall

John Mayer- Comfortable

Goo Goo Dolls - Acoustic #3

Elliot Smith- Memory Lane

Beach Boys- God Only Knows

The Postal Service- Brand New Colony

Rilo Kiley- With Arms Outstretched

I thought it up last night, what do you think?  toph, I seriously want to trade mixes still.   I think I'm going to make a mixtape, I haven't made on in ages and that's what all the cool kids are doing ;).

We leaned forward on weary arms, the sound of classic rock and musicals emanating from a battery powered stereo nearly drowning out the distant fireworks we were admiring.  Laying about on a makeshift patchwork quilt of blankets on the summer grass, we watched as firecrackers soared over the trees into our view.  Some of us weren't even watching the fireworks, saying, "Our forefathers fought and died so that we could be bored to death by lights".  In the end though, I was grateful for those colorful explosions.  They had brought us together, whether or not we were actually watching them or just talking about the random things that come to mind when you're lying in soccer field half a mile from the stadium where the town's great 4th of July celebration is being held.  I was surrounded by them, the otherwise empty field, playing tag in the dark.  We ran barefoot through the grass, joking about the couple who had been wrapped up in their blankets near us earlier who were probably having sex.  No one talked about the future, letting it hang over them like a great dark cloud of sadness blocking out the stars that we were reaching for.  We were there, in the moment, not worrying about what might happen when the sun rose, staring at stars and explosive gases.

Happy 4th of July :)

Listening to Rage Against the Machine, I remember so many things I used to regret, but I don't anymore. 

I first listened to them because a boy I liked burnt me a cd of them.  He was cute and extremely opinionated and arrogant and I was shy, finally breaking out of my shell after a middle school of horrors.  We never ended up going out because I lied and said I didn't like him because one of his friends asked and I was scared to admit it.  It turned out that he like me too and it was a whole bunch of shit, but I'm okay with that all now. 

Seeing him now, he's obnoxious, drinks, and is a talented artist, but I still remember the quieter side, when he played the guitar over the phone and I sat and listened, and our long conversations about guitars in which he tried to explain the different types.  I talked with him about them because he was interested in them and I liked him.  I love that kid, even if we never hangout anymore. 

It's funny how music holds memories for me.  I remember different periods of my life by listening to the music I primarily listened to.  That's why I can't listen to Nirvana or No Doubt anymore. 

Rage Against the Machine totally still kicks ass though, even if I don't always agree with their politics.     

I've become alternately very social and very antisocial of late.  I think it may be because I am working in retail, I am just sick of people in general, I don't like them anymore.  That is probably the most depressing thing I've thought in a while.  I just don't like being around people much anymore.  Maybe I should fashion myself a cave in the bare rock of... I don't think there is anymore bare rock in Cherry Hill.  I don't even think we have a hill!  I don't know what I'm going to do about this.  I like being in my house a lot, and that may be unhealthy.  I don't know what I want other than to leave Cherry Hill and go off to Emerson.  I'm ready.  I think I need something to occupy myself on the days I'm not working and my friends are..  Maybe I could box up all the books I hate/never read anymore..  I've lost my inspiration (again) and I haven't shot photographs in forever.  I feel like my inhuman expectations of my best friend have finally dissipated, and I feel somewhat lacking now.  I don't know what I'm saying to be honest.  I just know that I feel like I'm going a little crazy.  I didn't go outside today.  Tomorrow I have to.   I think my friend Tim is coming over tomorrow, and then I'm hanging out with people later.  Tomorrow will be better.  This state of bewilderment will pass.   

What is the Matrix? 

Last night was just perfect.  I went out with my bestest friend in the world (read: Jen) and we got Quiznos and then went back to her house to eat Mike n Ikes, or in her case Raisinets, and watch Garden State.  It was cold in her basement so we ended up sharing this kinda sorta big chair she has and wearing many blankets.  We got to really talk which hadn't happened in a while.  I really can't believe sometimes that she really thinks as much of me as she does.  It's powerful, and I realize everyday how lucky I am to have her as my best friend, because she doesn't take from me like friends in the past, she isn't a constant drain on my happiness.  We share things and have stupid obscure inside jokes and cry at movies and it's wonderful. 

The lazy days of summer :). 

Today was full of chlorinated water, games of Marco Polo and who can hold their breath the longest, who can swim the pool in one breath.  A great deal of splashing occurred as well.  Andrew, Annalise, Sutton, and I went to Jen's house and partied with her and her brother Tim.  Then we ate amazing barbecued chicken teriyaki (on sticks) and had "polite dinner conversation like normal people".  Ha!  Anyway, this summer has been amazing.  I got a little bummed out last night, but that's just being a moody teenage girl who needs to get some :).  I've gotten to spend time with so many of my friends, just playing video games, swimming, watching movies, and just generally doing everything that makes us happy.  I'm trying to get everyone in my head so that I can remember them as of this summer if I don't see them for a while after this, because I love them all :).  I'm always amazed by the strange friends I have.  Oh yeah, and they gave us this camera at Project Graduation, and I've been using it randomly whenever I go out, so I'm probably going to have some weird pictures but good ones, so I can remember summer '05 as it was...simply incredible. 

I know what I want.  I just need to find the right person when I'm ready.

PS: Norah Jones is awesome... booyah to you think otherwise :)

PPS: Remus Lupin better not be the character who dies in the next Harry Potter book... all I know is whoever it is, I am going to cry.

PPPS: Any suggestions for a quick costume for midnight madness?

Her eyes look at me, pleaing for a conversation, an opening, something we can talk about. 

I feel like you don't like us anymore, you never talk to us when you're here, and you're always going out, you never stay.   

I do like you.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Are you in love?

No.

You do realize when you come back from college there will still be house rules. 

...yeah 

I don't take her seriously on that particular point.  They will try.

What did you and Jesse do tonight?

We drove.

 Why don't you talk to us anymore?  You always just go on the computer when you're home, which is few and far between.

But what are we supposed to talk about?   I don't talk much to you guys, I never have.

I guess it's because senior year flew by and it's already the middle of July and...I guess I just want to stop time.  I feel like you tell everyone else stuff but not us.

My mom has always wanted us to be close, she tries to have meaningful conversations, but I usually just end up walking out of the room. I have nothing to say.  I feel bad I guess because I think she's just realizing now how little she knows about me in some ways, how closed off I really am.  It's not like she and my Dad are bad people by the way.  I've change outside of the house but in here I'm still geeky Amanda who needs her space and doesn't talk.  It took Jen to drag me out of this. 

I've seen a lot of pain these past few years, and I like to think I'm better for having experienced it, that maybe karma will give me a kick back after all these troubles...  But maybe it won't.  That isn't the worst thing that can happen.  The worst thing would be that I would revert back to how I was freshman year, letting people walk all over me and never expressing my emotions for fear of being hurt emotionally.  I like to think I've changed but what I go back to it because I'm all alone in Boston?    

I wish Jen was awake so I could talk to her.  I really need to.

...and to think I was in such a good mood earlier.  Now all I am is scared.

...and what's worse is I thought, in a mean kind of way, to say, you want me to be open?  Well, I'm gay. 

...because they don't know.  And for a long time, neither did I.  I do now though.

I really didn't expect this to happen when I walked in from driving with Jesse and Mae and feeling infinite.

Today is officially two years at Mindsay for me.  I've seen so many people come and go and so much DRAMA, but in the end it's all been for the best.  This is an amazing place and I really want to thank everyone for making it so awesome by being here and writing, whether it's about hanging out with your sister or vignettes about businessmen traveling or teenage angst...  It's all good. :) 

I love you all.  Keep writing and rock out. 

Oh, and Carol?  The coffee shop will exist...  and if it doesn't I'll probably spend the cost of supporting an independently owned coffee shop buying chai everyday :).

So... I was about to leave on an earlier bus for work... I turned on my ipod, dodge my barking dog and exited the house. 

And then... I realized everything was really blurry. 

I'd forgotten to put on my contacts. 

I walked the perimeter of my house and every door was locked and I didn't have a key. 

I then spent the next 20 minutes prying open my bathroom window to break back into my house to put on my contacts... missing the bus and making a bit of an ass out of myself for the neighbors :).  I'm just glad the garage was open so I could use the ladder... because we have wicker chairs for the front porch which are NOT STEADY AT ALL! 

You guys have a nice day now.... I know  my day has had a fairly interesting start.

I met a man on the bus today, and he made me reevaluate my life.

It was odd, we were sitting at the bus stop at the mall and he asked me a question about the bus.  I ended up learning about how his wife is in prison for some drug-related thingy and how his car is repossesed by the police because it's "evidence" and they won't give it back and about how they got the car and his daughter's birth and how he's on disability, but before that he went for financial help and got food stamps for the good of his daughter and how they named his daughter and all of these amazing things.  He has a hard time this past year and yet he still loves his wife and is going to take her out to dinner the day she gets out to their favorite restaurant, the lobster trap, and go to rehab class type things with her and keep the house alcohol-free to help her.  After this conversation was over, I stepped off the bus and thought:

That's the bravest man I've ever met. 

I've never had an experience like it, a complete stranger baring his life and soul to me with no prodding from me whatsoever, and I feel like it was God's way of saying, you have so little worry in your life, this is what real courage is, get your priorities straight.  I told the guy, thank you and to have a nice day, and he responded in kind.  It's the most powerful experience I've ever had.  It's like all that crap with Jen and being gay and all.. that's inconsequential life troubles compared to what this guy has suffered through and yet he smiles and goes to pasta nights with his daughter at their family friend's house and takes the train with his daughter down to Atlantic City to see "Mr Ocean" as she call the Atlantic.      

I thought of writing this true prose-like but then I realized that be fictionalizing it, and this is real life.  I may never see that man again but he has touched my life, and I think I've touched his.  That's an amazing feeling.  And it wasn't just being grateful I wasn't in his situation...It was just that he opened up and was brave enough to just be like, here I am.  I wish I could be like that sometimes. 

There's nothing better than driving along a highway at the speed of the sound, the speakers roaring and the subwoofer at work as rapid fire lyrics and musicianships reverberates with the rush of air as it is forcefully displaced at 70 miles per hour. 

We sang along and created new harmonies... and for a couple of hours, that was enough.  Neither of us were thinking about our troubles, and if we were, we fought them off with fight songs and fierce lyrics, screaming at appropriate points within songs in guttural tones. 

***

I went driving with my friend Jesse, and I realized, I do things with him that I do with Jen too (aka the car singy thing).  I've realized, Jen is my best friend, but my being exceptionally close with other people doesn't detract from our friendship anymore than her having a boyfriend and other friends does.  I guess it's just taken me this long to realize it, but that's important to know I guess, especially right before we leave for college.  No matter who I meet in college, that doesn't make my good friendships here lessened unless I choose to have that happen.  I can only guess how important that knowledge will be later.  I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up a little. 

I was mean to Jen tonight sort of.  We were playing Mafia and one round she was the mafia member and the entire round she totally fooled me and finally killed me at the end... so the next time she was trying to convince me to vote for someone with her I was like "I want to believe you but you totally fooled me before so I can't" and stuff like that... I feel like I was mean because she kept trying to convince me and I kept saying that.  We hugged and stuff though before she left and all so I don't think she took it to heart.  I love that girl.

PS: I really don't like alcohol.     

Dude, I love Jen came up as a tag haha.

***

Current playlist (aka songs I listened to while writing thing)

The Postal Service- Be Still My Heart

Broken Social Scene- Pacific Theme

The Clash- Law Won

Bad Religion- Sorrow

Dispatch- The General

Without Jesse I'd never listen to Dispatch... but that song is just incredible.  There's nothing cooler than knowing the melody and the harmony to a song and singing it with a friend in the car speeding along with no destination in mind. 

I went to my best friend Jen's graduation party today.   It was awesome, we partied in sober ways from 2 until... now, and the party's still going on, I just left with J. 

My Gift:

• the cd Damnation by Opeth
• A random awesome mix cd
• the mixtape (now cd) from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, with a cover that said "One Winter" and the back had the tracks and a quote and a little note.

I loved giving her the gift because I felt like I actually thought this one out because she matters and is awesome.

***

I kinda feel bad because my other best friend J is really angry with our other friend D.  The thing about D is they always give our other friend S crap because they drinks a lot and sneaks out and hangs with shady people at night.  Thing is, D buys weed from S and smokes up... so J thinks D is a hypocrite for giving S crap when D does equally bad things.  I asked J if he thought things would be okay with he and D and he said, "I hope so".  Someone needs to talk to D, I mean, she doesn't smoke up NEARLY as much as she drinks but she's still being a hypocrite.  And that's not cool.  But I don't know if I should make it my business even though it bothers me too.   

I said to J, "We're all hypocrites to an extent... but that doesn't make it right I guess". 

This summer has been awesome because I've been spending time with all of my friends, and not just one or two. 

But then, last summer = depressed hanging out with like 3 people. 

I've finally found people that are awesome, and we're totally partying when we all come back from college.  What's funny is that my group's idea of partying is usually watching Team America: World Police and The Wedding Singer...and playing Mafia and Halo 2.  I love my people.

That makes me worried about college, because this is the first year I've ever had a good core group of friends and we're all going in different directions.  That's rather scary, but maybe because I knew I could find it here, I'll be awesome and find equally cool people in college?  

Fears about college:

• the roommate.  alcoholic? clepto? suicidal?  smelly and untidy?  I've had friends who had people that were all 3.  I hope they play video games...because I can't bring my PS2 but I'll bring the Minifridge if they bring the tv and if they own their own system... we'll brawl and it'll be awesome.  I haven't shared a room in 3 years. 
• the major- will I suck at it?  Is it really what I want to do?  the answer to this is yes, but it's scary knowing what you want to do and getting into your dream school.  It really is.
• friends- will I be able to meet awesome people who don't drink ALL the time?  I don't have a problem with people who drink, I just don't think it's necessary to have fun.  I'm a social drinker, mostly because alcohol makes me really sleepy :).  I think I'll be okay with this but I'm still nervous. 
• the location- Boston is amazing, but can I handle the cold cold weather and all that snow?  Probably yes.  I love it there. 
• the distance- Boston is 7 hours from home...that's scary, but I'm never home anymore anyway, it's where I crash, but I go out a lot.  I'm not one to suffer from homesickness ever.  This could be different though. 

Somehow, I think I'm going to be okay once I'm there, it's just hard waiting and knowing I'm the last of my friends to leave beside my friends going to Boston U.  My move-in day is September 4th. 

I don't get the whole thin-voiced girl singer thing.  I mean, I can dig Rilo Kiley... but when it comes to groups like Sleater-Kinney and stuff... I just can't handle it.  I just really don't like girl fronted bands because most of the time they have such little voices.  Jenny Lewis is just different I guess.  The girl from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs isn't bad either when she sings with the Postal Service (as did Jenny Lewis).  

I hate Bright Eyes still.  It's just like, I think he's trying to hard...and his voice has this nervous vibrato that Elliot Smith did so much better.  I'm still trying to like him, but... it's difficult.   

I've finally gotten better at Halo 2, I used to really suck but after playing all day Saturday at the grad party I've gotten soooo much better, my friend Andrew pointed it out, he was like, "You move totally different now than you did before and you use your grenades way better".  He showed me a bunch of secret sniper spots on the maps, which was cool so next time we play I'll kick additional ass. 

That next time will be his b-day party on Saturday, I'm pumped.  I think I'm getting him the Collector's edition DVD of Pulp Fiction since he doesn't own it and it's awesome. 

I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Jay, Sam, Kasie, and Elisha.  It was good times... though I don't think I liked it.  I found it lacking.  We ended up watching The Jacket afterwards at Sam's house, which was decent though definitely trying to hard to be artsy.  I liked it a lot.  What's awesome is, we rented it from this movie place (read: not a chain) and the two guys working were BOTH friends of mine.

What happened:

Kasie: Oh crap, I don't have my rental card.

Guy: Are you friends with her? *points at me... I'm over looking at movies and not paying attention*

Kasie: Yes.

Guy: *demagnetizes movie* Just make sure you bring it back on time.

I love knowing people in convenient places.  The names are withheld to protect friends.

Anyway, I was talking to Kasie afterwards about how amazing this summer has been.  We both have been hanging out with people almost every night, never the same people... and we're not dependent on any one person to make us happy anymore.  I love Jen to death, but I don't need to hangout with her all the time to be happy.  I've been spending time with all of my friends, and I think because of it I have grown to appreciate my friends SOO much more than I did.  I never used to make time for everybody, always spending time with like the same 3 people... and so when they otherwise engaged I'd get all bummed out.  But now... now I just call someone else, and if I don't end up doing anything, I might get annoyed, but I get over it because...it's no biggy in the end.  She realized that she didn't need any one person to be happy at the beginning of the summer, and I only completely appreciate it now.  It makes me not jealous of Andrew being with Jen because.. I have other friends, I always have but I think I appreciate it more now. 

I don't have much to say.

My friend Andrew blew me off today to hangout with his girlfriend ie Jen, my best friend...

I was pissed, but I'll get over it. 

Oh yeah, I don't understand people who dislike Rilo Kiley... they're good peoples who play chill music, and their albums flow. 

Working at ON has aided me in being able to speak ghetto-ese :).  I love my work posse.

"You're in a good place now, ready to leave and not overly attatched to anyone even if you're really close friends".

I'm so ready to leave now.  I need to get away from all this stupid crap and immerse myself in the bs of strangers in a strange city. 

I think I'll read my Batman graphic novel now. 

***

for the rest of my life I think I'll search for someone just like you.

Tonight was great.  I hadn't gone out in a couple nights for one reason or another...

Jay, Diana, and I ended up watching Dark City, which is an AWESOME movie by the way.  While I was watching it I was like, hmmm I wonder if the Wachowski brothers were in any way inspired by this :).

Anyway, after that we hung out and Andrew and Tristan came over.  We walked up to 711 through Diana's pitch black neighborhood and got slurpees and just chilled outside of it for a while.  I ended up calling Jen because I got a pack of junior mints and those are an inside joke with us.  It was cool, I hadn't seen her in days and we all went back to Di's and hung out, watching South Park and that Mancina show which actually was kind of funny... 

Today was awesome, I got my haircut and eyebrows waxed, tasks which I detest at times but in the end it's totally worth it. 

Anyway, today was Andrew's 17th birthday party so we all went to his house, watched Constantine, ate pizza, played some Rummy Royal and then hours of Halo 2.  Nop is still the king, but I finally started to hold my own towards the end.  We all had SOO much fun, Jen got him this hovercraft thingy and we were flying it around in his yard.  Then, we called Charlene, who is away, and sang happy birthday to her since her birthday is tomorrow and stuff and we were all there anyway :). 

Nop gave me a ride home and it was great because we started Japanese house music and peeled out of Andrew's street really fast and made faces at Jen and her brother who were leaving also :).   

Tonight was basically what summer is all about, friend's chilling, talking, partying and just rocking out light-heartedly.  I love my friends, we have such an amazing group of people, and we all come from such different places, metal heads and choir geeks and drama queens and techies and artsy peoples.  We're all united by Halo 2 I guess hehe.  I swear, that has become our entire group's new obsession, we had 3 TVs and 4 people on each TV... it was INCREDIBLE :).  I love my friends and probably will never understand what how we came together, but we did, and it kicks ass.  They promised they'd still love me when I come back from Boston as long as I don't say "Chowdah" or shit like that.  I refuse to, so I think I'm safe :).     

If you can't tell from the title, I still adore Blink 182... and probably always will.  Lighthearted pop punk has it's place in this world just as much as melodic progressive death metal does :). 

There's a reason some bands don't get signed to major labels and it's not the Man that's keeping those bands down, it's lack of talent. As the amazing, talented, awesome Robin Silver (who inspired this) said, "There's marketable suck, and unmarketable suck".

Marketable suck: Ashlee Simpson... she can't sing but some people find her attractive for some reason... and she has a famous sister... what did Jessica do anyway? mutterchickenoftheseamutter

Unmarketable suck: I don't know... fill in the blank here, we all have our own opinions

Another thing: I do the scan through the 1 dollar CDs thing and get self released EPs and crap, and you know what most of the EPs turned out to be? Crap. Sure, I picked up a couple cool cds but honestly, that's $1 out of say... $20. The best cd I've picked up like that is Amelia, this band from Oregon. I have many cds that I now regret having purchased because they suck and I could have fed my chai or Wawa Green Tea addiction with that money :).

By the way:
You shouldn't claim cred like "Oooo I got their ep when they recorded in Todd's parent's basement using a tape recorder on a previously recorded-on tape".


I'll admit, it's cool to have an old recording of a band, it's really cool, but if it's a bad recording, it's like if you were to get a tape of Norah Jones singing in the shower while high on peyote or something... it's not good.

Who would actually want to listen to that? I mean, aren't tapes meant to be listened to?

That's like when people release unreleased songs after an artist dies... sure, there are some hidden gems but a lot of the songs weren't put on cds/tapes/records/8 tracks for a reason...they suck. They are not a good musical representation by the artist.

..and on that note...

<3Amanda

PS: Don't twist what I'm saying and rant about how some good bands don't get signed or sign on indie labels... I know this, and it's cool. I like indie labels like Eyeball or Metropolis.... and I like unsigned bands. So... GRR to you who would smite me with angry words over such a stupid topic!

PPS: I'm having a lovely summer, and I hope you are as well :).

http://www.qwantz.com/apologies/

Check this out.. those are my pictures!  I mean, they're kinda weak cuz I shot them with my Dad's digital, but whatever.  I can't wait to get a digital manual camera... I decided if I'm going to get a digital camera I should get a good one that I could use for artistic photos, so I'll wait until I have $700 to blow on a camera :).  Then you guys might actually see some of my real photos (my scanner doesn't work) instead of my crap.

I'm sick of having to call to make plans all the time.  It's like if I actually want to have plans for a night I always have to call people. 

Take for example: I call one of my friends to see what they're doing, and I bet if I hadn't called I wouldn't have even been invited. 

Also, if I do call I'm inevitably interrupting something.

Whatever, I'm just bitching, but this is the kind of crap that makes me wish September 4th were already here, because I'd be moving into Emerson. 

Going away doesn't solve problems but it does give them time to blow over sometimes. 

Not even 10 minutes after I wrote the last entry, my friend called me, we went to a Halo tournament, Friendly's, and his house for more Halo. 

I like being proven wrong.

I've been inspired.

You guys should write an exactly 55 word vignette thing about absolutely anything at all, and leave it as a comment.  I think I may make a collage of short stories and pictures.  If you want an example, my friend and I have been going back and forth writing them on AIM.

I wrote these two:

"I want to fall in love."

I looked up from my hot chocolate as she looked down at her hands, her cheeks pink.

A moment passed and I put my left hand over hers, giving her a small half smile.

The bell on the door jingled, eyes met, and I was left nursing my drink.

The streetlight illuminated her form as she danced down the nearly empty street and between parked cars.

"I always wanted to be a ballerina but I’m too tall".

She then kicks a car window in.

"This is what I think of your dancing ideals" she screams over the sound of shattering glass and car alarms.

They seriously can be about anything at all... please, do one *puppy face*... for me? :)

Today was good stuff.  I hung out with Andrew and Jen, and it wasn't total 3rd wheel syndrome.  In fact, Andrew invited me to go to Best Buy, and then called back to make sure it was cool with me that Jen was coming and I wasn't going to feel like the third wheel.  Andrew's a really good friend, and he knows how much that kind of stuff bothers me... and it was awesome that he called.

Anyway, it was funny because we were standing in the parking lot and it was that really breezy time right before the rain starts pouring and the lightning striking, so Jen and I started spinning around, it was the coolest feeling because the wind would blow you around and if you closed your eyes it was like you were flying... Just try it, I sound stupid explaining it.  I love that time though, right before a storm when it cools off and gets windy, it's great. 

We went to Charlene's and gave her her birthday present, which was cool, and she came with us to Tower Records.  I loooooove that store.  It's a wonderful place, they have everything, and if not, they can order it.  I'm all for supporting my local independently owned music store, but Tower's awesome.  Speaking of which, I need to go to Mars Red and preorder my Death Cab cd... and another one that I'm blanking on, oh well.

Final thing: Jen's mom was being a total bitch on the phone, so after she hung up (we were at Andrew's at this point) she came over and sat on my lap and hugged me and was like, will you be my surrogate Mommmy?  I was like "Of course.  I like spending time with you but you really should go out with your friends because they are nice and I want you to have fun."  This made her smile which was good because this wasn't the first call and she was a little mopey.  :)  I really like making people smile, especially people I really care about.   

Oh yeah...I purchased several cds: "More Adventurous" by Rilo Kiley, "Dookie" by Green Day (I lost my old copy of it... and let's face it, this is classic), and "Made to Love Magic" by Nick Drake.  I also bought my mom Coldplay- X&Y (waaaaaaaay overproduced) and Jen burnt me: "Damnation" by Opeth.

I had just gotten off of work so I was waiting for my ride at the mall's entrance:

You look tired.

-Yeah, I just got off of work, we're moving in the Old Navy

When does that open?

-August 4th

What's your name?

-Amanda, yours?

Bryan...Is your boyfriend picking you up?

-No, my Dad is picking me up.

Do you have a boyfriend?

-Yes

And then, he just kept looking at me and stuff.... I was REALLY FREAKED OUT!  But then, some stoner guys came out for a cigarette, and I was never more happy to see such people in my entire life.  I was like, thank you for your nicotine addiction.  He walked away after a couple minutes... but he really scared me.  I've never had something like that happen before when I was alone.  At least if he tries to bother me at work, one of my guy coworkers will kick his ass :).  I ended up calling Jen after it happened, I was really freaked.

There's something I need to say.  I love hanging out with everyone, we have a lot of fun and it's great, but I miss you, and we're both leaving in a couple weeks.  I could just deny it, but I've looked at the calendar and I've marked dates, dates of parties and dates of departures.  There isn't much time and all I ask is if we can spend some time together, just us, because the fact is that I won't be around when you leave.  I'm going to be away with my family and that destroys me.  Can you give me this?

10 things that scare me:

1. Being completely out of control (ie Rollercoasters...stuff like that)
2. Being honest with people about how I feel about them...good or bad
3. Horror Movies
4. Opening up to people in general... I have trust issues like woh.
5. When my shades are open at night
6.Walking around at night
7. When people crowdsurf...I've gotten kicked in the face a couple times
8. My mom when she's angry because I or my sister has done something really stupid/bad...
9. the thought of being arrested/thrown in jail
10. Bugs

9 Things that attract me to people:

1. Sense of humor
2. Good taste in music..or at least openmindedness towards different styles
3. Awesome hair

4. Confidence
5. The ability to be silly/goofy
6. A warm smile
7. Overall Friendliness
8. Nice Eyes

9. Hotness..

8 things i love:
1. My family

2. Jen and Jay
3. My friends
4. Music!
5. Photography... I feel like I express something through it I really can't elsewhere.

6. Hugging and Kissing
7. Being content
8. Those days when everything's alright with the world, and even if it isn't, you smile anyway

7 things I dislike:

1. Stupidity.... I can't stand stupid people...I just want to hit them in the face.  I don't mean like people with learning disabilities obviously
2. Discrimination of any kind, especially against the gay community  (not changing this one...obviously)
3. bugs... esp roaches...ewwwwww
4. Gore.. ie the movie Army of Darkness...horror movies like that
5. Feeling unable to state my opinion
6. the fact that I am going to be so far away from all of my friends for such a long time
7. People who don't give people a second chance, or a chance to clear their name

6 random facts about me:

1I've been to at least 17 concerts... this is based on me counting all the ticket stubs I've collected over the years
2. I have hazel eyes... but they change colors...sometimes they're yellow, other times they're green and I like them a lot :).
3. I hate having bright colored nailpolish, it seems unnatural and that bugs me
4. I want to get a tattoo of a celtic cross on my left forearm (on the inside of course) that says Psalm 121: 1,2 underneath or in it
5. I once gave myself a concussion from headbanging and rocking out too much at a concert
6. . I once made-out with this guy in the back of the adult youth leaders van while people were in it, and I had just met the guy, and I was with my friend at her youth group for their haunted hayride...yeah this is bad :).

5 things i plan to do before I die:

1. Travel
2. Find someone who makes me happy and not screw it up
3. Learn to play an instrument and be in a band
4. Dance without a care...I get really self concious, I haven't learned to let myself go
5. Be able to do the scary metal voice thing like the guy from Opeth

4 things I want to do right now:

1. Call Jen and give her the message, though less sappy, more chill, that I said in my previous entry
2. Get my tattoo
3. Go to Emerson

4. Go buy more cds...I love buying music

3 things that annoy me:

1.People who break promises or cancel plans with no notice
2. When you're at a show and people shove past you to get to the front...frickin' assholes
3. Idiots

2 things I can do:

1. Do whatever I can to help my friends through bad times, and chill with them in the good times.
2. Design and build a table (yay a stage crew)

1 thing I can't do:

1. Draw...and I'm a set design major :).  I'm working on it.

Picture this:

Smoking section of a rather dingy diner.

Three teenagers, smoking and playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, drawing potential paths for it on placemats while eating pancakes and waffles.

Yeah, we're just that awesome.  I love Robin and Jesse.

PS: I actually wasn't smoking but they were.  *shrugs* It's allll good.

So it's come as a shock that I'm LOVING Franny and Zooey.  I just finished the Franny part and it was flippin' good!  It really bummed me out when I didn't like Catcher because everyone loves Catcher, but Salinger's got a great writing style.  I think he and Fitzgerald are two of my favorite authors just because of their writing style.  Gatsby is a beautifully written book.

"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete- that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theater Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."-Franny 

(phone rings)

Hey Jen

Did I wake you up?

Yeah, but it's okay, it's like last summer when your phone call woke me up almost everyday.  Those were good times.

We talked for like an hour this morning, morning meaning when I woke up (read: 1pm) and then we hung out at my work for a while and she got an Old Navy Card.  

My best friend owns.  That's just how it is. 

My dad setup the wireless connection today, so I'm in my room typing this at last. 

Hurray!

Tonight = sleepover at Diana's with the crew, then work, then lisa's party, then I crash.

Franny and Zooey was amazing.  Nuff said.

I was thinking, there's some people that I never got to know as well I would have wished, or that I only saw in passing, walking from class to class or perhaps in a dirty tunnel after I got off of the PATCO strumming a guitar.  Maybe sometimes those are the people that matter most, because you might not know their name or anything about them, but their image sticks with you, long past the time or times when you encountered them.  I guess even by seeing someone in passing you can learn or grow as a person, and they may never know the effect they had on you. 

It's kind of cool to think that maybe, you are that person for someone else.  You're that face that they see on a daily basis that maybe makes them think about something they never thought before, or made them think that pursuing Theatre as a major isn't a stupid idea which will land you in a restaurant waiting tables.  Maybe you'll end up being the person that saves them without a word being said. 

My sister and I are officially dorks.

I'm sitting in my room on my laptop chatting with her.  She is in the den on the house computer, which is only a hallway and livingroom away.  We're arguing who is better, batman or spiderman.

secretawesomespy:  by the way, do you know where my batman tshirt is?  It's okay if you borrow things, just tell me when you do
musicrocks715: I dont like batman 
musicrocks715: i have no idea where it is
secretawesomespy: you don't like batman??
musicrocks715: Spiderman all the way
musicrocks715: batmans ok but i like Spiderman better
secretawesomespy: psh, spiderman is such an emo dude, he wears glasses and engages in geek-ery.  Batman had to train to be awesome and create things with his genius and might. 
musicrocks715: so
musicrocks715: i still like Spiderman
secretawesomespy: hehe you and bridget both

I love how we argue like crazy when we attempt to chat in person most of the time but now we're cool.  She's the only person who can truly put me in my place. 

I have nothing of substance to say... but look, new picture :).

*sneaks off with ninja-like stealth*

There's something wonderful about finding someone who understands you and that you understand in return.

I ended up hanging out with this guy who I used to have photo with, and we didn't hangout at all during high school, but we hung out today and made plans for tomorrow.  Yay bonding!  We sat at Starbucks for 3 hours, he, this kid Marcus and I, telling stories and drinking chai, then Tower records!

I also bought 2 more Nick Drake albums: Bryter Layer and 5 Leaves Left.

Then I hungout with Andrew and played Time Splitters and ate pizza.

And cigars are smelly... note to self.

***

I saw a guy who looked soooo much Zack Braff today, he was in his car, and it was weird.  I don't know what ZB would be doing in Cherry Hill though.

Boys are dumb.  Especially when they don't answer their phones or call when they said they were going to.

grr

Ben Kweller is amazing.  Even when I'm having a shitty day, he makes me smile.

...and he has suuuuch a cute singing voice.

Wedding Crashers is awesome, I highly recommend it if you feel like watching a movie with no morals and not a lot of depth.  The dialogue's awesome.  Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are just able to like bounce back forth with comedic excellence.

Everything ended up working out, I went to see Wedding Crashers with my friend Paul instead, plus I have plans for tomorrow with my friend Robin to rock out.  Lamester, Barbara and I have agreed to a chai date in the near future, which is awesome.

I just realized that next week is the last week I'm going to spend with Jen because I go down the shore the 22nd and she leaves the 25th.... and she doesn't get home until Saturday this week (cruise). I don't know what I'm going to do when we part ways on Sunday the 21st.  She's leaving.  She's really leaving and I'm leaving too.  I was listening to the Death Cab song "I'll follow you into the dark" on repeat  and my screensaver (which is my pictures) came on, and the words just fit so well, it was pictures of me and my friends, prom and LA and Virginia Beach, all the fun and random times we've had.  Summer is almost over.  Then, a picture of Jen and I came up and I lost it.  I keep falling apart like this lately whenever I start thinking about her being at TCNJ and me at Emerson, I'm going to be so far away.  I'm scared that she'll find a new person to be friends with that's better, or that we won't talk anymore and things will be weird.  I know that won't happen deep down, because we're linked, I never knew I could be so close with someone.  It's like, in Robin's words, "We have years of history even before we knew each other" and "It feels weird to call her your best friend because she's more than that".  This is harder than I thought it would be, I knew it would be hard but... 

Barbara: ...and he used to do coke.

Me: I'm listening to a Tegan and Sara cd, that's kinda like doing coke.

Tonight was amazing.  It was chai date + a bunch of other people I wasn't friends with in high school, and we just had the most random conversations... and then we went to this park and climbed through the underbrush to these train tracks and walked down to wear they passed over a creek.  We took off our shoes and sat on the edge, looking at the water below, throwing rocks and just talking.  I never really hung out with any of these kids outside of school, and yet I love them.  Some other people ended up meeting us there and the cops chased us off eventually, but it didn't matter.  Tonight was totally everything that summer is about in South Jersey.

Tonight was amazing.  It was Robin's birthday gathering, so she had us get dressed up and we all hung out, eating awesome food, listening to Bob Dylan and just reveling in each other's company.  It was wonderful.  I love that we can do that.

I feel like I've lost you and you haven't even left yet.  There are no guarantees we're even going to hangout besides the Poconos trip.  This is harder than I could ever imagine, that I'll be away when you leave.  It'll be my first real time without you...  I just wish you would call when you got home.

Robin: All my friends are either artists or gay

Me: I'm two for two! :)

I love the fact that I have a group of friends who are so supportive of me and my decisions.  They own.

All that stuff about me spending time with my other friends and enjoying it, that's all well and good, but I just looked at the calendar and we have so little time left before I go down the shore and you leave me behind.  I think driving back from the shore knowing you're not home for me to call will be harder than anything.

This is tearing me apart and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm good for a bits of time, but I always end up getting depressed.  She's been the one constant in everything great/terrible that's happened the past 2 years. 

"I'd rather hang around and be there with my best friend if she wants me"-Belle & Sebastian

Today was great.  Jen and I talked for an hour on the phone, trading stories since we hadn't talked in a week seeing as she was on a cruise ship with no cellphone reception.  It was nice to trade stories, we both had great weeks, though when each settled down in these crazed activities, the other was missed.  She had stuff to do though, so I ate my cereal (2pm) and called up Jon and we went on an awesome excursion to Philadelphia. 

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/pyropanda124/Thoughts%20in%20pictures/jon2.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v172/pyropanda124/Thoughts%20in%20pictures/Jon.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

I bought awesome posters for my dorm.  One of Bob Dylan with a harmonica and bass, one of Audrey Hepburn looking awesome, a local artist's popart thing... and Cafe Terrace at Night by Van Gogh.  Note that theses are all mini posters because I was like..smaller posters are better :).

The goodbyes have started. 

I'm really glad I'm going up to the Poconos with Jen, Andrew, Tristan, and Annalise.  I bought some TMAX-400 to bring up, all I need is a disposable camera and I'm ready :)

We're having a pirate party!

Does it make me a bad person that someone who I know is applying to Emerson and I really don't want to go to school with her?   She's visiting me when she comes up... dammit I graduated so I wouldn't have to encounter people I didn't like in high school often.

That I'm listening to Journey while typing this.  Journey is the hardcore music when you love Opeth in addition to all those powerpop, post punk and twee bands :).

Today = chai date with robin, helping jen pack for college, and packing for weekend in the Poconos.

This weekend was amazing, we partied pirate-style, going on a treasure hunt, playing pool, eating great food, playing texas hold'em and being awesome.  It was the most fun I've had ever, it was better than prom weekend in some ways, because Jen was there.  Jen, Andrew, Tristan, Annalise and I are the pirate crew, holla...err.. ARRGH!  We got a little trashed Saturday night while playing poker, but it was ok because we were all looking out for each other.  That's what matters I think.  They're some of the only people I'd trust to get intoxicated with.

The thing that stuck with me the most this weekend was at one point, we were leaving to drive back, we rolled down the windows and there we were, shooting down mountain roads waaay too fast, the sun glowing brightly, trees rushing past the windows and Ozzy was blasting out of the speakers, and we were all united as one.  We were all so happy to be together in that moment, and I know even if I don't remain friends with them forever they will always be a part of my life.  I love them all so much.

***

But this is still the hardest day of my life because today, I said goodbye to Jen for real.  We went to church after getting back from the Poconos.  I love going to church with her, it's like, I can be myself.  We got blessed with all the other kids leaving for college and it was awesome.  That's true for anywhere with her though.  We then back to our respective houses, me to pack for the shore tomorrow-Friday, and her to convince her parents to let her join us at Texas Hold'em at Andrew's tonight.  It was great.  I won all of the chips (not playing with money) for the first time.  Jay, Diana, Liz, Boden, Tristan, Annalise, Tim, Bryan, Jen and I, we were all there, it was powerful.  The goodbyes were hard though. 

Jen drove me home and when we got to my house, we just got out of the car and hugged for what was probably an eternity but seemed like an instance, and neither of us pulled away.  I think that says more about our friendship than anything else.  She's such an amazing person, and I was like, what if you don't like me anymore when you come back?  which she was immediately like..pssh, not happening, ever.  I just started crying but I tried to hold it together, and we kept hugging and crying and... I've never been this close to anyone before ever, I've never let anyone in that close... and as distraught as I am about this, I know it's alright because she really does love me, and I love her.  We said things to each other, trying to make it seem like it was going to be alright, but it won't be, at least not all the way, until I see her again.  No one at Emerson will take her place in my heart.  No one at all in fact.  As torn apart as I am, I'm going to see her again, and it will be an amazing day.  I'm looking forward to it.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to say goodbye.

Andrew: You should check out the sorority scene.  It's great for parties and meeting guys...or girls, whatever you want.

My friends are supportive, and it's awesome.  Andrew's not one of the most articulate guys but he's a great friend and he and Jen are awesome together. 

So much has happened lately, friends leaving, spending the week down the shore with my family, it's crazy.  All I know is I'm grateful for the friends that I have and I'm excited to meet new people in college :).  I drive up September 3rd and move-in the 4th.   

Designing a Nervous Breakdown by the Anniversary.

It's a great synth-y, boy/girl harmony type indie pop album from ages ago.  If you don't own it, you really should.  They have another album which is also good, but I love this one.  It was the album that got me into indie 4 years ago.

I was just thinking about church and a discussion I had with my parents.  I was trying to explain to them why I liked going to church with Jen or by myself and not with them.  I was trying to explain that I felt, limited and held back, like I couldn't really express much of anything.  They didn't understand.  I just don't like going to church with them.  It's like, my religion is a private thing and I need space from those whom I was raised by. 

I can't really explain it.  I hope someone gets what I mean.

Another thing, I'm Roman Catholic, but I'm not in anyone's face, my religion's my private thing.  An acquaintance of mine started asking me about RCism, but she wasn't really asking so much as wanting a justification to rant about all the shortcomings of RCism. 

I haven't gotten that angry about anything in a long time.  As Andrew later put it "That was a low blow, attacking your religion".  It was a good thing I was on the other side of the room in the middle of a Halo 2 match.

Some of you are probably like... a gay Roman Catholic?

I don't agree with everything the RC church says, but, this is where I find God, y'know? 

Sorry if this came off as a little preachy.   

Today was the last day I will get to spend with jay in a while.  He leaves tomorrow for college, and he's my oldest friend.  I still remember the day we met, I had just moved to Cherry Hill, as had he, it was the 3rd grade, and we were at the same bus stop.  He's always stood by me through everything, thought sometimes months would pass where we wouldn't talk for one reason or another, we were always friends.  Friends isn't the right word though.  What do you call someone that you don't have to have deep conversations with or anything to stay close, someone where more can be said in the teamwork of playing Halo 2 co-op than in a coffee shop conversation?  He's my life-mate I guess.  He's been the one thing I could always depend on, and now he's going to be gone for a while, and so am I.  No one else will ever have a relationship with me like I have with Jay.

The last line of his entry in my yearbook:

"Anyway, I know that I'll probably see you most of my life so I'll see you later"-Jay

It's amazing to see yourself through another's eyes, I feel like I understand myself the better for it. 

Allison and I watch Almost Famous tonight, I'd never seen it, and now I am changed.  Or rather, my eyes are a little more open. 

Allison-"The music is in your heart, it's the core to you, it's what matters, you need it, and I am in awe of that.  People like you and John (a good friend of ours) find something, get something out of the music that I've never been able to get, and that's amazing.  In some ways, the ways that really matter, you are Penny Lane.  You see the world through the music."

I feel like in that movie they said everything that my heart has been saying in steady beats all through the years of my life, but still, everyone gets something different from the music.  We all take what we need.  Music is my hope.

Well, today's my last day home.  I hung out with Andrew, playing XBOX and talking about random stuff, but that's how we are.  He might bring Jen by (she's coming home for the weekend!) so we'll get some time together before I leave.  Apparently he was going to surprise me with her but Mrs. Sheehan told me.  I don't mind, cuz I either way I get to see Jen :).  Jes and I hung out at the diner today, talking about random things.  She's an awesome friend that I wish I saw more, she was telling me that someday she and some of her friends are going to be waitresses and her name will be Gladys and she'll have an old smoker's voice and walk up to groups of people and address them by the wrong gender :). 

I feel old, leaving for college, moving out sort of...  but it's awesome all the same.

Jen and Andrew came by tonight.  We all just hung out in my room, having odd conversations and downloading odd crap, and then off to Friendly's we went.  I was so incredibly happy to see them both one last time.  It's nice because Jen left me at home, and now I'm leaving while she's home, so we're even.  It's neat because she has this whole other life now, but we're still as close as we were, and that's awesome.  I was nervous it would be different but it wasn't.  I'm ready now.  Plus, Andrew burnt me a Boston (the band) cd and an Archenemy cd, so I'm good to go. They're both such great people, they belong together, it's nuts.   It's weird because it really hit me that I'm leaving a couple hours ago, but Jen and Andrew's visit helped me out with that because it's like, I'm leaving, but I have them so it's okay :).   

PS: the New Pornographers new cd Twin Cinema is good stuff.

Hey guys, this weekend's been great.  I went to Boston's Museum of Fine Arts, had my outfit complimented by trannies, hung out in Boston Public Garden late at night with people without getting raped, watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, sat in the entrance of an empty building on Newbury St. and shared high school drama stories with Gabe and Lauren, slept in my friend's dorm room, laid in the grass, got chai, and just rocked out.  I love college, and classes start tomorrow, so I won't get sick of my new friends because of the lack of structure in my life.  This week has been like one long chill kick ass party.  I love my new friends though I desperately miss my home friends, it's not the same because with these new kids I have no history yet... though I totally will have some eventually.  I need to start taking photographs again. 

Dear Diary,

I miss Jen terribly.  She called me today upset because a girl in her dorm died this weekend, as did a teacher, and she needed to hear my voice.  I feel terrible because I can't do anything to make it better. 

Also, a friend of my roommate's died.  She's international so the friend was in Mexico. 

I'm scared about my rendering class because it's real art stuff and I've never done much of that before.  Lauren offered to help me though.

My 3rd floor family (including Brennan from Doubletree) is helping me so much these days.  I love them all, they're just wonderful.  They accept me for who and what I am.  I told Jen it's not the same because I have no history with them, and she said that's true but it's a different kind of friendship and it'll grow because of different reasons.  Neither of us have any really ties to Cherry Hill anymore except our families.  Our home is our colleges. 

The worst thing about college is missing your friends from home and being unable to hug them when they need it.

PS: Jen's going to visit but she wants to bring Annalise so she's not on the train alone.  Problem: Annalise doesn't know that I'm gay.  Jen doesn't know that I'm completely gay, but she'll have no problem with it. 

The Mini-Uni (aka the C-store) is closed, so no popcorn for Amanda this evening unless I walk the long scary walk to 7-11.  Fuck that.  College is good, classes are difficult and have lots of hw, I'm trying to learn to schedule my time and I've been making To-Do lists for myself.  It really helps.  It makes me feel like I'm responsibly managing my time.  I'm really hungry.  I need to not listen to my "food" playlist on my laptop.  My roommate is planning on having 5 people stay over at some point, and we have enough room but... I think I'll sleep in Lauren's room that night.  Lauren and I had a mini bitching session because neither of us are getting any :).  I'm so hungry :(.  Goddammit!

PS:  I'm getting sick of the dining hall food aka I'm screwed, I'm going on a major shopping trip soon. 

Dear Diary,

I can't stand my roommates, and I have no place that is my own.  It's driving me crazy.  I need to figure out a place where I can have some privacy.  Normally I go to the Common but I don't want to get raped since it's midnight and such.  Also, I miss my friends like crazy and it's  making me depressed.  I have research writing tomorrow.  I hate it.  It's existentialism bullshit, which is depressing in and of itself.  I can't wait for the Org Fair on Friday so I can join clubs, and clubbing on Saturday night.  I need space really bad, and I have no one to talk to right now except on here.  I am officially lame.  My roommate went out to party and my other roommate went over our neighbors and yet I'm still depressed. 

Love, Amanda

PS: Good and Evil is a bullshit class.

Oh yeah guys, I haven't written in a couple days.  It's sunday night and so I'm scrambling to do all of my hw.  Actually, I've done all of my Monday hw (ie a shitty sketch for rendering) and I should be writing one of my essays for Tuesday seeing as I have 3 to do... but I'm taking a break to write in here :).  This weekend was pretty great mostly.  Friday night a bunch of my friends and I went to see this showing of a Margaret Cho standup at the Bartlett theatre in Cambridge.  It was good times. Yesterday we went to Ben and Jerry's, watched movies and went to Hempfest, which was AWESOME, there was some great bands and some really funny speakers, however there were cops everywhere, though people were definitely getting high everywhere.   

Today was funny in and of itself.  I went to church with Jes at this Catholic Chapel in the Prudential Mall...wtf?  The priest was one of those fire and brimstone type guys, he irritated me so we've decided that we'll go there once winter hits because it is much closer.  Anyway, Lauren and I took the T to Harvard so we could pick up oodles of art supplies.  She knows a lot about these things and I know jack shit :).  Anyway, we were going to go to Pearl but that was all the way down Massachussets Ave., which goes on forever by the way. My shoulders are so messed up from walking that crap all 10 city blocks back to the T.  Anyway, we got back on the T to go back to the dining hall to get lunch, and when we got to the stop, people wouldn't move so Lauren got off and I was stuck on their until the next stop which is 4 blocks away, so I had to lug my crap allllll the way over there.  That sucked, we ate, came back, I started doing hw, took breaks, passed out a couple times, and here I am.  College is good, I don't talk to my roommates ever, and I'm okay with that.  Gabe and I are apparently going to a gay club in a couple nights, so that should be interesting.  I've never been to a gay club before.  I love my friends here, but I made a point of calling all of my home friends this weekend to say hi.

So, I've been middle school crushing on this girl for at least a week now.  She lives on my floor and her room is right next to the back stairs, so whenever I wanted to go down to the 3rd floor to visit my friends, for some reason I'd always happen to pass by her door.  On Friday I left her a note saying, yo, we should hangout sometime, because I was like dammit, I'm going to be ballsy in college, and then yesterday, I walk by her room and she yells, "Yo, Amanda" and I come back and there she is.  She gives me her number and other contact info and we agree to hangout sometime soon. Anyway, I ran into her a bunch of times today and I think she might like me, but anyway, we both to the Emerson Alliance for Gays Lesbians and Everyone meeting and I see her looking over, and she looks away and then... yeah.  I don't know what to expect of all this.

I can hope though, and if not, I'm in Boston, which is like Gay Central, and I love it.    

I haven't been writing much of late but Boston is amazing and I love my friends.  I finally got to talk to my friend Robin from home, she had lost her cell but then she found it.  I'll write more when I have something interesting to say. 

Maggie Gylenhaal's version of "Just the Way You Are" from Happy Endings is fucking incredible.  If you didn't get to see that movie, when it comes out on DVD you have to watch it, it's so GREAT and awesome and I love it.  I bought the soundtrack on Itunes :).  It has SUCH a great cast. 

Okay, enough overuse of capital letters, but seriously I adore that movie.

Dude.

I was on that boat two years ago with my family. 

*shudders*

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/03/nyregion/03boat.html?th&emc=th

October 21-23 is family weekend here at Emerson College, and my parents can't come, so that's kinda lame. 

However...

Jen might be coming if she can scrounge enough money together to fly!!!

My best friend might be coming to visit me! 

Joy!

I wore my glasses to class today.

I know that doesn't seem like that would be meaningful or anything, but to me it was, even though the reason was I had no time to wait to get my contacts out of the bathroom.  I guess it's because all through elementary and middle school I got shit constantly for having to wear glasses, it was awful, so I looked at glasses as something that brought me pain.  Thus, summer before freshman year, I switched to contacts, and it was smooth(er) swimming.  I wore my glasses today, and it was just, normal.  People wear glasses.  I wear glasses sometimes. 

And that's okay. 

I feel like we pigeon ourselves into the genres we like,

That we stereotype the things we've listened to the least of,

making up stories that take away from the music.   

Not all country songs are about loss, horses, and the summer rain.

Not all of my art involves you.    

Suitemate: “I’m obsessed with every band he is in, Death Cab, the Postal Service, Iron and Wine, what’s his name again?”

Me: Ben Gibbard.

I didn’t bother to explain to her that Ben Gibbard isn’t in Iron & Wine. 

This is what the OC does.  It makes people think they know about indie/emo music when they don’t.

PS: I'm going to see Death Cab at the Orpheum in Boston tomorrow and it shall be awesome. :) 

I just drank 24oz. of chai that I made myself, and I feel good about that.

I like how living in the city with so many opportunities to expand my mind just around the corner or sitting on the stoop outside of my dorm.

I don't party that much here, I mean, I smoke some of that stuff but that's it, and that's fine by me, because I wasn't big on partying at home, so why should that change?

Buffy night has become a new tradition with my friends here, we gather and watch Sarah Michelle Gellar with her 90s outfits slaying vampires. It's awesome.

Tonight I'm working tech for a drag show and tomorrow is Broken Social Scene at Avalon, which I am thrilled for.

I've found other people who think that Yo Yo Ma plays with no passion and that Jacqueline DuPre is amazing. (Music nerd-ery = <3)

Natural light is awesome.

One of my good friends here makes her own online manga and it's great!

Living here is changing me, I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet.

This environment is so much more accepting than anything I've ever experienced before, it's made me feel different about me and the world around me. I've become more aware.

There is a lot of bullshit in college, and sometimes it sucks more than anything ever because these are friends you have no history with, but you learn from it.

When all's said and done, I love college.

PS: Death Cab was amazing live.  I love Ben Gibbard

Now I have some breathing room since my final for good and evil doesn't go online until saturday and my art stuff isn't due for a bit. 

So, more importantly, what's been going on with me recently...

I've gotten a lot more comfortable with myself in a lot of ways.  I'm a lesbian, and I thought I was okay with it, but I was afraid of people knowing, I remember the first person I came out to here, my very gay friend Gabe...  Anyway, it means a lot to just start over and have it not bother people because I'm always kind of afraid that it would bother people at home.  I'm out on livejournal and facebook now, which a lot of people from home read, and all my close friends I told in person.  I can't just not be who I am, lie about it.  It hurts me, and I understand that now.  I'm not a walking talking gay pride parade, but I'm better. 

I'm slowly learning how to manage my time these days, drafting and rendering, writing papers about philosophers...  It's been hard work, but well worth it.  I love it here more than anything.  I love Jen and Jay and my friends from home, but I love it here more than anything I've ever loved because here I am honest.  My last final type activity is at like 1pm on Monday and then Tuesday my Dad and I are driving home.  I'm excited to see everyone, we're having a formal gathering, dressing up and such to go to my friend Bryan's house.  Charlene will be there, but now she knows I hate her, though the way she found out is not the way I would have desired it to happen, it did and I have to live with my honesty.  I'm okay with that.  I feel like that night on the 23rd I can put it all behind me for a little while and just have fun because, that's what it's all about.  I need to get Kasie a gift.  I'll get her a fossil gift card with an awesome mix cd.

Oh yeah, I'm an atheist. 

I don't keep a journal anymore, because I've found all it does is drudge up things I'd rather not think about, but this is still my home, so I'm here when I can be.     

What brightened my day:

Our dining hall had a big 9:30pm-12am gathering with lots of awesome food tonight, and a girl I've kinda had a crush on was desk sitting across the way.  I talked to her a little bit before I went in and she said something about me sneaking her out some food.  She wasn't expecting anything.  I was able to sneak out a hot apple cider and a danish and it made her smile.  She ended up asking if I wanted to hang out Friday or Saturday night.  I said that sounded great :).  She gave me her number on a scrap of newspaper and I agreed to call her tomorrow about hanging out.  Maybe we can watch Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind.  That's a good cuddle movie.  I can't hope for anything though.  Maybe she just wants to hangout friends-like, which would be cool but extremely frustrating because that's what happened with this girl a couple months back.

Yeah, I totally have a crush on her, but I didn't think anything would happen with it, and I reallly want to suppress hope, but there is hope, I can't help it, y'know?  Sigh.  I hope this works out, that'd be nice :).  She's real purty. 

Anyway, that's my life right now :).  Have a wonderful holiday if I don't post again soon.     

Tonight was amazing.  I went over to Katie’s dorm and we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, with some interruptions by her CRAZY roommate.  We both had already seen the movie so we chatted during it at some points, commenting on parts that freaked us out and such.  Then, we walked a couple blocks to the Charles River Esplanade.  We had to cross numerous patches of ice, so we went arm in arm, crossing a small bridge by hanging out to railing and walking along the railing because the bride was covered in ice.  Finally sitting down against a metal fence post near the dock, we looked out on the harbor, admiring the buildings with their twinkling lights and the stars that we could still faintly see despite all the light pollution.  It’s weird how comfortable we were with each other right away.  She went along with quirky conversationalizing wholeheartedly.  Anyway, we sat on a patch of ice and cuddled with one another, and it was wonderful.  We would just sit quiet for moments at a time, not talking, and it was okay.  After a long time, we headed back to Arlington, hand in hand, and hung out at my dorm talking and telling stories.  I made her tea because we were frozen to the bone.  Eventually she was tired so I called the escort service to drive her back to her building.  I hugged her at one point and it was weird because I felt something there.  I hope she did too.  We held hands and waited for the van and I hugged her goodbye.  I was going to kiss her goodbye but I got scared.  I think I have time though.  Something might come of this.  I really hope so. 

I called Jen later and told her all of this, and she thought it was adorable and that the Esplanade sounded very romantic.  I’m glad she’s so supportive of me… she really doesn’t mind that I’m gay.  She just loves me for me, because I am her best friend.

Gabe thinks it looked like a date, and I do too… I hope so, and I hope she had fun and I hope I didn’t come off as desperate or anything.  I probably did… I hope not.  I really like her.        

This morning I woke up to see my friend Amy in my room, and I didn't know how, and she told me to come down to the kitchen.  There was a breakfast feast prepared by Emily and Amy.  We all just  ate together and it was beautiful.  I'm going to miss these kids for the next couple of weeks. 

I'd forgotten how much I missed singing with people.  My friends and I just sat around singing Christmas songs, and not lames ones, but the old school ones, the ones that matter.  It was beautiful. 

So, now I'm probably going to watch Buffy and then get some sleep.  I'll probably catch breakfast at like 11 since I want to read and drink cocoa while I eat.  I don't miss home that much.

Singing these Christmas songs just made me think about how beautiful the idea of God is, and how twisted religion makes it.  I find beauty in mass and love and faith... but I don't there's a God.  It might be because I never go to church anymore, or that I thought deeply and realized a truth, or something, I don't know.  I want to believe more than anything, but, I don't think there's a God.  I have to live this on my own.  I'm a dependent person and I cling to any idea of support, though I'm trying to change it.  I'm far too serious.  I think I just need to grow up.   

I fucking hate that stupid bitch. 

Okay, now for the beginning of the story:

I meet Jen.  We become very good friends.  I am a bit possesive at times but only kinda of.

Enter Charlene.  Charlene and Jen are good friends.  Charlene is a total bitch.  I hate her but I am kind to her because I love Jen. 

Fast forward to this summer.  More than once, Jen calls me, we set up to hang out, then Charlene calls Jen and gets invited through guilt tripping because Jen and I had already decided it's just us tonight.  I grow to hate Charlene with a fiery passion.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving break.  I say something about being aggravated with Charlene doing it all the time in a rather bitchy way.  Her sister and some of her friends happen to be there.  They tell Charlene.  Charlene starts a livejournal war about how I say I'm mature and in college but this is juvenile and that I don't own Jen. 

A couple weeks later I call Jen and everyone's been going to Jen asking what happened to me and why I'm not nice anymore.

Yes, I created this situation because of my jealousy, and I recognize that.  I'm not going apologize.  Fuck that.   I'm sorry but I have learned in college that honesty is good, especally when regarding stupid bitches.  I hate her.  She's whiney, clingy, pretentious, basically, she's me, but I'm better at. 

I should totally say to her, "I'm sorry, I just recognize in you so many qualities that I possess like clingyness and pretensiousness and it makes me angry".

If she makes New Years awkward I'm going to cut a bitch.   

I'm tired. 

Diana has convinced me that Char's not going to ruin New Years for me as long as we don't talk, and that one of our friends is probably going to sit Char and I down and tell us to "play nice".  I'm cool. 

I was going to stop by stage crew tomorrow but I'm tired and it's 1 am and that's later or something.

I need sleep. 

Jay and I are taking a mini road trip to meet our friends in the Poconos.  They're driving up the 28, and we're going to Albany the 28th for a party the 29th.  We're driving to the Poconos the 30th and coming back home January 1st.  GOOD TIMES.  Jay and I are going to have an awesome mini-road trip from Albany to Pocono-land.

It was nice to be home again, driving around too fast blasting Journey and Weezer and singing the words we knew.  I missed the familiarity of it.  It makes me feel youthful and pure in a way... it's strange.  It reminds me of places where I can have sober fun, which is mostly what I have at college anyway.  I've been good.  It was very suburban South Jersey tonight, and I liked that. 

I'm 19 years old, have been for a bit.  I feel like it makes 18 real. 

Last night was rather awkward  and awesome.  I got to talk to Katie for a while before her Festivus celebration.  I went out with my friend Jon and we ended up hanging out with a bunch of his fellow former "popular kids" friends.  We ended up at the mall and I was feeling very awkward so I called my friend Diana who was also there and she and Jay rescued me..  Jon was very nice about it, he had actually offered to drive me home if he needed me too.  Yay for awesome friends!

Tonight promises to be an evening of much potential drama.  Tonight is The Group's polyanna gathering at Bryan's house.  We're preparing food and drinks for a lovely evening.  Charlene will be there, and I will get to see Jen for the first time in weeks.  I have to be strong for her and not fight back if Char causes a scene. 

I will tell you how it goes once I get back later.

Tonight was a lot of fun.  I didn't let her bother me, and I completely held myself in check, and she didn't do anything to provoke me, or if she did, I wasn't paying attention.  We were all well-dressed and consuming awesome foods, 'twas good times.  We watched Airplane and Bad Santa, along with playing Time Splitters 2 and Super Smash Brothers: Melee.  I got to see Kat and Monica, and while I cannot be close with Kat, she's an okay person though she clearly has not changed.  It made me question my hatred of Char because she hugged me goodbye, but I think I just don't like her, it's not hate.  She's not a bad person, I just don't like her.  Jen gave me a gold star she was so proud of my behavior.  I got to talk to my friend Annalise about the whole me being gay thing and she said she was a little surprised but she was happy that I was able to figure that out about myself and be happy. 

And this is why my friends are awesome.      

Tomorrow (the 25th, as it's now Christmas Eve) is both Christmas and one of the days of Hannukah apparently.  That's really awesome.

Right now I'm sitting in an independently owned coffee bar in Delmar, NY named Perfect Blend Espresso Bar & Cafe while Jay is off visiting with grandparents, doing the rounds.  I'm glad I came up here.  I get some alone time, a luxury I have been denied of late. 

We drove up to Delmar (just outside of Albany) yesterday, stopping once to visit some old friends of Carolyn, Jay's mom.  It's strange how Jay has introduced me this whole other world up in New England.  I love that kid.  He's my favorite basically.  We hung out with Steph, whose house we are staying at, as well as James, Elizabeth and Liz, friends of Stephanie.  We watched Madagascar and argued about whether one could initiate no gravity in Mexico.  Elizabeth was very nice to me.  I was always feel a little awkward when I come up here, since I come up so sporadically I don't really know what's up, and she invited me to come along with them to get coffee at Perfect Blend yesterday night before the movie.  This town reminds me of Haddonfield, full of white people and old buildings. 

Anyway, Steph and Liz have been best friends as long as Jay and I, and they were just lying on top of each other speaking strange accents for over an hour, it was the funniest thing I have seen in a while.  It made me think about how different each best friendship is.  Jay and I don't talk so much, but I love him more than life.  We just, well, are.  Jen and I are kind of clingy, but we haven't been friends for nearly as long.  They are all I need. 

Sometimes best friends are just enough.

I close my eyes now and realize how much my life has changed  this past year.

I think my next blog post is going to be my end of the year post, because it's time. 

This year began with a kiss, well, several kisses actually, leading to the creation of a speedy lie so my mom didn't wonder why I was coming back so late.  I really did like Max, and maybe I loved him in a fashion, but it ended on my part.  This past year, I felt like a part of a group for only the third time in my life.  Jen, Jay and I grew a lot closer, along with Andrew, Diana, Bryan, Charlene, Sutton, and other people.  I maintained my closeness with Tim, Mona, Paul, and Tiz.  I found a new best friend in Robin, sharing secrets in the moments of early dawn.  My sister and  I grew a lot closer, with her being the only family member that knows that I am gay.  I worked on the musical and the One Act Play festival, gaining prestige and oodles of stress, but that's over.  There was drama with rooms for choir trips and an incredible after-prom trip to the shore.  We frolicked through the streets of Ocean City, swimming, going to antique shops, and riding kiddie rides.  Annalise, Jay, and I drove down singing songs to which we only knew half the words.  Jen couldn't come and I got a heat fever, but it was okay :).  I almost drowned in a wave pool on the choir trip (traumatizing).  I got into Emerson in April or May, possibly the happiest moment of my life, the happiest I'll probably be over an envelope.

Graduation was amazing, and the parties were a ton of fun.  Most of my family and friends came to my house and we just basked in the glow of being college graduates. 

Then the summer came, a summer of Halo, work and movies.  I grew sad this summer because I never saw Jen, but it made me get closer to everyone else.  I  worked for Old Navy (the Devil) and smiled for a living.  I couldn't sleep much so I talked a lot with Amy (an Emerson friend) and Robin.  We grew very close.  Then August came.  People left for school and Andrew, Sutton, Jen, Annalise, and I went to the Poconos.  We had a treasure hunt and dressed as pirates, getting trashed while playing poker.  The majority of that week we didn't drink, watching bad movies like Mortal Kombat and playing pool and Halo. 

The Sunday we got back was the last time I saw Jen until the Saturday night before I left.  It was the hardest parting I've ever had, crying for hours afterwards.  I think in my friendship with Jen I lack a confidence that I have with Jay, or at least I did then.  It has grown a lot because of this going to college in different states thing.  I spent a fabulous day with Robin, coffee shop hopping, drinking chai everywhere and listening to Wish You Were Here played from a car's speakers in the streets of Haddonfield.  The nght before I left, Jen and Andrew came over and we just hung out in my room, listening to music before heading to Friendly's and getting ice cream.  This was a very Friendly's summer :).  

The next day I drove up to Boston and my life was change forever.  I met my roommates in the ensuing days (bitches) and met lots of random people I haven't talked to since.  I remember the 2nd or 3rd day I arrived I wandered down to the 3rd floor and met my friends, knocking on Lauren and Jes's door for the first time.  Jes played guitar and we all went to Newbury St.  That was back in the days when John wasn't crazy and an asshole.  We bonded and it was a beautiful.  Lauren and I grew close over the ensuing month.  I slowly bonded with kids in my major, they were all so NICE!  I couldn't believe it.  October was amazing because Lauren and I met Chelsea when she was making a penis cake for her friend Tracy's birthday.  Through her I met Kyle and went with them to Rocky Horror for the first time.

I think this year has taught me to be more honest and open about things, and I need to not take things so seriously.  I need to manage my time better, and video games are awesome.  I have a great group of friends, Jes, Nick, Gabe, Lauren, Chelsea, Kyle, Emily, plus all the kids in my major who are my second family in Boston.  I didn't know I could be this happy.

I came home and things were the same, but different.  We've all change a little, bringing things back from the places we went, but we're all the same.  It's strange how much I'm missed, I'm the farthest away of our group, so it was amazing to get together at Bryan's for our Festivus gathering, everyone dressed nicely.  I love Boston and my Cherry Hill friends.  They're all so accepting.

I've gained confidence in who I am, and that there are people who will accept me that way.  I've learned I need to take things less seriously and not be so paranoid, which will be difficult.  I love my life right now

Tomorrow, Jay and I are going to join Elisha, Jen, Andrew, Bryan, Annalise, Brett, and I don't know who else in the Pocnonos for an awesome gathering.  We're going to get very drunk on New Years Eve dressed like medieval people and just be together, playing Texas Hold-Em and not leaving until the next day.  And it'll be enough :).  I love my friends and my life.  This year has had good and bad times, but it'll soon be over and we'll let the sun shine in again.         

Well, today's been fun so far, getting Dim sum wiith Mona, Tim, and Paul, just like last year.  Mona's going back to Baltimore tomorrow, Paul and I are going back to Boston at some point, and Tim's going back to Montclair, NJ.  It's so crazy that I'm still friends with these kids, getting Dim sum and just reveling in our friendship.  We don't need to spend everyday with one another but the dynamic never changes, and that's a beautiful thing because I don't want to lose them and it's nice to know that no matter what happens I will always have them.  That's beautiful. 

Last night I went out with Robin to Ponzio's (a diner), and it was great in the strangest ways.  We just chilled out and talked and smoked and just, were.  She's amazing.

I just put on Death Cab for Cutie, and it made me smile :)

PS:   I still do not know where I stand with Katie AT ALL and it's driving me nuts. 

I had a talk with friends tonight while dinering.  They gave me a list of books to read in the near future.

• Ray Bradbury- I Sing the Body Electric, The Illustrated Man
• Tom Robbins- Still Life with Woodpecker
• Richard Brautigan- Troutfishing in America, The Pill Bug vs. the Springfield Mine Disaster, In Watermelon Sugar
• Kurt Vonnegut- (basically anything he's written) Hocus Pocus
• Faulkner- As I Lay Dying
• Joseph Heller- Catch 22
• Neil Gaiman- Sandman, American Gods, Good Omens
• Terry Pratchett- (everything)
• Garcia Maquez- 100 years of Solitude
• ??French Dude??? - How I Became Stupid
• Kerouac- On the Road
• Ronald Dahl- (any of his short stories)
• Burroughs- Queer

Right now I'm trying to read If on a Winter's Night a Traveler, but I'm just not feeling it.  It's a great book, I'm just not ready yet.  Anyway, this poem stuck to me.

PS: On the matters I have previously written about, I've concluded that I'm 1.) Being Creepy, and 2.) Acting like an idiot.  She initiates conversations with me whenever she's on so I couldn't have totally creeped her out.

I am so sick of my family skirting around the truth, the eventuality of all this.  I feel like my cousin Kim and I are the only people willing to admit the truth. 

My 78 year old grandmother broke her knee and is having heart problems.  She has a history of high cholesterol, high blood pressure, an underactive thyroid, and generally not taking care of herself.  When she was here over Christmas, she spaced out almost the entire time. 

She's going to die, it's only a matter of time.  I just wonder whether it's going to happen after I go back to school. 

I need to get the fuck out of New Jersey and back to Boston more than anything.  I've gotten to spend time with my friends who really matter and ignored those other fuckers and it's been great but my grandmother is going to die and I'm never going to get a chance to come out to my parents before I go back to school.

I had a lot of fun today, watching American Pie, Boondock Saints, and Shaun of the Dead with Jen, Bryan, Annalise and Jen.  I got to spend yesterday with just Jen, getting to really talk with her in person without someone else getting in the way.  She and Annalise are trying to figure out a way to visit me, and I'm visiting Jen on Spring Break.   

Catfish Friend by Richard Brautigan

If I were to live my life
in catfish forms
in scaffolds of skin and whiskers
at the bottom of a pond
and you were to come by
one evening
when the moon was shining
down into my dark home
and stand there at the edge
of my affection
and think, "It's beautiful
here by this pond.I wish
somebody loved me,"
I'd love you and be your catfish
friend and drive such lonely
thoughts from your mind
and suddenly you would be
at peace,
and ask yourself, "I wonder
if there are any catfish
in this pond?It seems like
a perfect place for them."

Can I just say that no matter what, this break was awesome because I got to spend time with the people I love?  I haven't spoken to Jen this much in ages, we just talk to each other all the time and it's great.  I just get to spend time with her and Jay and all the people that really matter in my life.  I'm so happy in that regard.  I've been looking at this the wrong way.  

Oh, and nothing's funnier, as a girl, then leaving a message like this on your giant guy friend's facebook comment wall:

Bryan, it's about time you got down on your knees and gave me a blowjob. You're always like "I'm tired" or "I'm busy playing video games" or "Help me you stupid bitch I'm on fire" and honestly, I can't take this shit anymore.

Dear Dell,

I fucking hate your shitty laptops, made with reused parts and crappy plastic and glue. 

Die.

Love,

Amanda

I know I have probably said this before, but nothing fails to cheer me up more than listening to Dashboard Confessional's album "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most".  Besides having a lengthy, pretentious title, it always makes me smiles because no matter how depressed I get, I'll never be as pathetic as Chris Carrabas.  Believe me, I commend him for being so successful at being pathetic.  His voice is whiney and his imagery is trite.  It's music-candy, because it's awful songwriting.  He has made a career of writing songs based on the bad poetry people write during and after a breakup.  It would be awesome if his career was actually a corporate experiment. 

My exboyfriend Mike (from 3 years ago) sent this to me today:

"look I don't know what I did that was so horrible that you hate me. I recognize I made mistakes in the past and I know I could have handled things better. but can you at least tell me what I did to deserve this from you, and give me a chance to try and explain and make things right. that's all I ask, not to hang out like we used to, or speak everyday... in time that would be nice, but all I want is a chance to be a better friend than what I was before. i used you as a crutch and i was wrong. look, i've changed and you've changed and if it turns out we can't be close similar to before that's cool I can respect that, but I do want to be your friend again if you can find it within yourself to give me a second chance."

I need to write back to him.  I've changed a lot from when he and I were friends and everything was peachy.  The thing is, he wasn't forthright with me back then and he isn't being forthright now.  He has grown up at all and he's 22 years old.  I know he's "troubled" but honestly, I don't care.  I hate him for his actions for years ago.  They no longer have any effect on me, but I can't stand to be with someone that made me so screwed up.  We can't be friends because I can't stand to be around him.  I don't want to message him back with this, I'll call him because this is important.  He's not a bad guy, but I don't want to be around him and I don't want to talk to him.  I can't explain why I don't like him anymore.  I could give the excuses like all that happened three years ago, but the truth is, it's not about that anymore.  It's about me.  I grew up, and every time I see him, he still acts the same and he's still in love with Shira.  He never cared for me the way I deserved because he was in love with my best friend.  This is about jealousy. 

Shira asked me why I stopped talking to her all those years ago, and I finally knew why.  I had grown so sick of hearing about her all the time and helping Mike try to get over her, and when he couldn't get over her while we were dating, I couldn't do it anymore.  I was sick of being in her shadow.  I was extremely unhappy because I was dating my one best friend who was in love with my other best friend though they'd broken up six months before.  That's why I broke up with Mike, that's why I stopped talking to Shira, and that's why I stopped hanging out with Colleen and everyone.  Shira and I are finally okay again.  Mike and I need a lot more time to be okay again.  I want to be okay again, but I don't think it's possible.  There's too much psychological damage.  That was just a really fucked up situation.  I'd say it's his fault but you can't help who you fall in love with, but when you're still in love with someone, don't try to rebound on their best friend who's been counciling you during your rebound with another friend.  What an asshole.  Why would you do that, and then after you've left for college call me and say you're not sure if you can do this because you're still in love with Shira?  I hate him.  Talking about this has made me feel like that 14 year old girl again. 

While writing this, I've realized just how fucked up what he did really was.  Fuck him, we're not going to be friends for a very long time.  He needs to grow the hell up.   

I was having a really hard time getting into "Come on Feel the Illinoise"... but now I get it.  If you listen to the song "Casimir Pulaski Day," it will blow your mind and make you want to cry and smile and just keep living.  I want more than anything find someone to hold onto.  My friends and I are going to see Underworld 2 tonight, and it's probably going to be really bad, but that's okay because...they're my friends and it'll be fun. 

Edit: Underworld 2 was the worst movie ever.  Jen and Annalise are coming up some weekend in February :).   

I'm listening to this mixtape my uncle made me back in '95, it's like a musical time capsule. It made me think, mix cds get scratched and ruined so easily but mixtapes just last, and there's something spiritual about sitting and choosing the songs to put on a mixtape together.

These sentiments are of course cliche and pretentious, but fuck it, that's how I feel.

This mixtape that I happened to find just now is making me realize how out of touch I am with my uncle Dave now. Sure, I can tell his partner my Uncle Jim things to tell Dave but it's not the same. We were close, but I've been so wrapped up in everything, and it's not like I can call him since he's pretty much gone deaf. I should write him a letter, because we used to write to each other when I was little. I miss that. I feel so disconnected from my family, and I'm sure he does, being all the way in Virginia the way he is. I want to send him mixtapes, but now he's deaf-ish so maybe I can do something else.

I feel like this world is moving too fast and I'm being either left behind of being pulled along so fast that I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm going to look for my mom's old mixtapes, because I feel like I've rediscovered my childhood or something. It's too bad that I'm going back to school tomorrow.

Edit: Her collection is amazing. There is no denying it. I guess I know when I'm listening to this summer. I need to get a tape deck walk-man thingy.